What Adoption Has Taught Us - Part 3

.....about God.

Adoption has taught us many things, but the one the stands out the most is what we learned about our God and Father.

But let me be honest (you wouldn't expect anything less, right ;), to write this post has definitely been the hardest one out of the 4 (one more coming, which is pretty much done already, in my head anyway).

Why? Well, there is so much that we have learned that there is no way I could write it all down in one, two or even three posts.

Another factor in making this such a hard post to write (I have written, deleted, written, deleted, more times for this post than any other yet) is because, well, if I were to read a post written by somebody who has 2 healthy children after a long journey of infertility and adoption, and that person writes about how loving God is, how gracious He is, and how He wants the best for us, the cynic in me would be "Well, of course. You got what you wanted, what you've been desiring for so many years.". Yes, cynicism is a reaction of mine that I am not proud of, a reaction that can rear its ugly head as soon as the seed of bitterness has been planted.

But please do not let cynicism creep into your heart. But read on, with an open mind and heart, and read the following poem It is a poem that is such a source of comfort while going through any trial that God has placed on your path.

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Does that not bring a tear to your eye???! This poem sums it all up for me.

But I can't leave it at just a poem, because really, it is His Word that provides all comfort, hope and security. Again, let me be honest....while going through the whole adoption rig-a-ma-role, it was not always His Word I turned to. No. Rather than turn to God, I often turned on to God, in a very sinful and accusing way. There were days on this roller coaster ride, where I walked away from Him, where I was so angry with Him that I kept His Word closed. Boy, am I ever thankful that He never walked away from me. I am thankful that while I may not have turned to His Word during those dark days, He worked His Spirit in me to repent, and then open His Word. And I pray that this Spirit will continue to guide me and teach me, to especially open His Word while the trial is the hardest, and not to leave it to once it has passed.

Here are some Bible passages that I found to be incredibly helpful, passages that kept the big picture in  mind (why we are here, what purpose and what the end goal is), and verses that spoke of how important it is to always, always, know that it is not my will, but His will. And that I may willingly accept His will. Of course, this list is not complete. It is just a beginning.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-13. The key words here are seeking the LORD with all your heart. THAT is what we are here for, our purpose: to seek Him with all our heart.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41: 10. These are God's words to you and me!!!! He is our God.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end." Ps. 48: 14. He is our God, our guide. To the end!! That's His promise!!

And really, I could list a whole whack of Psalms here. How often did David not cry out to the LORD to hear his cry for help? How often did he not ask God to save him from his enemies? No, we might not have a king or an army wanting to kill us, but we do have enemies as well: Satan and all his army. So we can cry out with David to the same God.....but always note how David ends his cries: humbly praising this God as well.

Lastly, when I really struggle with God and His plans, I only have to read Job38-41:34. These chapters get me every single time. They put me back in my place: the creature. And they put God back where He belongs: the Creator. These chapters make me fall on my knees in awe, reverence and humility. These chapters put everything into perspective for me. It makes me feel a millimetre high.

Yet, while I may feel a mm high, this God, who is immeasurable, loves me. And sent His Son for me. And that's what it is all about. It is not about a baby. It is not about receiving everything for this life, to make this life happier. It is about repenting, converting, realizing what He has done out of His great love. And that can only leave one living out of thankfulness for Him, running the race until we may receive the reward that is waiting for us; a reward that is promised to His children.

It is my prayer that I may remember all of this tomorrow as we embark another bump in the road, not in adoption, but in life, the life of our daughter's medical journey. Life is not easy, as all of you know. And so what a comfort it is that we may travel it with God as our guide. We are not alone.

P.H.R.T.F.L.

A week has passed us by and my camera has been busy, capturing a few Pretty, Happy, Real, Thankful, Funny and Love moments.

Pretty
Us girls in the house were spoiled by the Man of the house with some beautiful and pretty flowers! Keziah was just absolutely thrilled that the yellow ones were for her :o)

Happy
Lincoln has discovered puzzles. That makes for a very happy sister, who now can do her own puzzle without him trying to "help" her.

Keziah was also very happy to hold a friend's tiny 6 pound little baby girl.

Real
When you start seeing this on your call display almost every day.....

....you are forced with the fact that your daughter going in for surgery is very real. And soon. 4 more nights to be exact. So this week was filled with phone calls and doctor's appointments, preparing for this next phase in our life (if you are interested, you can read about it on her blog, which you'll find at the top of this page on a tab called "Keziah's Journey").

Thankful
Earlier this week, we had an opportunity to remember those before us who fought for freedom. We are thankful for their sacrifice. And we continue to pray for our soldiers today that work in dangerous zones. May our military continue to be blessed by God and be used to help those in need.

One other thing we were thankful for this week was the health of Lincoln. After having 3 bad nights of croup and then a terrible cold, we are thankful that God has restored his health. I am also thankful for that husband of mine, who willingly walks in the middle of the night outside, in the cold weather to help his son breathe.

Funny
So apparently Lincoln did not eat enough for supper one night. This is my pot holder. It is his job to take them off the table and put them where they belong. How cork tastes better than beans, I have no idea....

The kids LOVE to play hide and seek. We tell them to hide and then well, we won't bother to seek :o). But the few times that we do look for them, you can tell it sure doesn't take us long to find them :o)

Love
It is such a blessing that daddy is so loved that his daughter hangs onto his coat to keep him from going to work. Yes, this daddy is surely appreciated and the kids love him like crazy. And I get the blessing of watching them interact together.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

What Adoption Has Taught Us About Birth Parents....and Us!

Adoption has taught us that Birth Parents are real.

What I mean by 'real' is this: they have feelings. They have emotions. They love. They cry. They laugh. They hurt. They make mistakes. They are not perfect. They are someone's child. They sin. They were created by God. They belong on this earth just as much as you and I do.

I state these things because there are many out there who think differently of birth parents. There can be a stigma out there that birth parents are either prostitutes, teenage moms, druggies or alcoholics. They don't care. They are selfish. They are negligent. They are irresponsible, reckless,  and thoughtless. I mean, how else did they end up in the predicament they find themselves in, right? (note sarcastic tone here).

There are many out there who think it is wrong that birth parents place their children for adoption. That to place your child up for adoption is sinful. It is un-natural, i.e. sinful; after all, these children belong with their biological parents for that is the natural way, the way God intended.

Actually, these people are right. To a certain degree. Yes, the natural thing is for children to stay with their own blood, but guess what? Since the fall into sin, nothing is natural anymore! Sin is everywhere and so are the consequences of living in sin.

But if we are going to compare what is un-natural and natural in regards to birth parents, we need to be ready to take a good look at ourselves as well. Because I don't know about you, but I know I can be selfish, negligent, irresponsible, reckless and thoughtless at times as well. The only way to measure ourselves though is not to look around at others, but to use our Biblical mirror, His Word and Law.

Let's take a moment to see what is un-natural in our own lives before we condemn the choice birth parents have made to place their child up for adoption.

Before the Fall into Sin, it was very natural for Adam and Eve to live harmoniously with God. At all times. Do you and I?

It was very natural for Adam and Eve to live together as one. Completely one. Can you imagine marriage without sin?! That's what they had!! Do you and I have a marriage like this?

It was completely natural for Adam and Eve to eat what was given to them.....but not to be gluttons. How's your and my weight? Can we contain ourselves at an "All you can eat" dessert buffet?!

Before the Fall, Adam and Eve never slandered. Or gossiped.

Get this one: it was completely natural for them to walk around, well, au naturel!! All day! Without shame!! How do you feel naked?! (no, please don't answer this one :o)

We do not live in unity with God at all times. It is a constant struggle. This is un-natural. We need His Word and Spirit, as well as the gift of salvation.

I do not live completely in harmony with my husband, never getting upset with him; I am not kind and gentle every moment of the day. I do not always serve with a willing heart. This is un-natural.

I love food. A little too much. I am a glutton when it comes to chocolate, candies or anything salty. I forget that there will be food tomorrow and so eat like this is my last meal. Every meal. This is un-natural.

I have gossiped. And ashamed to confess that I also have slandered. Oh, so un-natural.

And well, I am not going to answer the naked question.

My point is this: what was to be considered 'natural' went by the wayside once sin came into the world. Sin destroyed everything that was considered natural. Nothing is natural anymore! Natural was lost! Since that time, everything is now un-natural. It is not how God created His world. But now, everything, from our relationship with God, our interactions with others, how we treat our bodies (the temple of the Holy Spirit!) physically and sexually, is un-natural. 

We are so quick to judge others. But guess what? We are no better than these birth parents!! No, we may not have had to make the choice to place our child for adoption, but when was the last time we did anything natural, like it was before the Fall into Sin?

So before we judge, or make a comment of "well, it's un-natural for the birth parents to give up their babies.", make a mental note of when it was the last time we shoved fast food into our mouth; before we look down on them, let's take a moment to remember the last time we last  held a grudge against our spouse/children; before we dismiss birth parents as careless, ponder on when we last spent time in devotions.

Take that time and energy that otherwise would be spent in judging, and use it for prayer. For ourselves and for others. Pray for those who find themselves in a situation due to the consequences of sin, no matter what the sin may be. For sin is sin and we are all guilty of it.

Matthew 7 1-5:
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

So, in a nutshell, this is what I mean:

The birth parents we have met are not thoughtless and inconsiderate. In fact, they are sincere, heartfelt, perceptible and mature! Yes, they have chosen adoption as an answer for their predicament, an un-natural thing to do. However, you and I know very well what types of un-natural things we choose for ourselves.

"When they kept on questioning Him (that is Jesus), He straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7.  

Birth parents are real. We are real. We are all sinful human beings in need of a Saviour. Pray that others may see this need for a Saviour. And if you believe and know that your sins are forgiven through the work of Jesus our Lord, then fall on your knees out of thankfulness and humbleness for the grace of God that has been extended to you - not because you are so righteous, but because He loves you. You have been given the gift of faith as well as His mercy. So then let us pray for this mercy to flow through us and out to those around us.

How great and awesome it'll be once everything is back to being natural again, everything in perfect harmony! A place where adoption is no longer necessary; where we will live harmoniously with God and others; where we won't pig out or bring others down in our thought and speech. And that time will come when our Saviour comes on the clouds, to take us out of this un-natural state, and bring us to Paradise with Him. Come, Lord Jesus, come!! And thank you, Lord, for this hope we may have.

On the Lighter Side

Well, after a couple of heavy posts, I thought we could all use a break. I have the next Adoption post almost ready (What Adoption has taught us about Birth Parents), and I'll post it next week.

But for now, something on the lighter side to give our emotions a break.

When I started this blog a year ago, I ended every month with pictures of what we learned that month. I enjoyed this and it often made me laugh.

But after a year of this, I figured it was time for a change. So what I hope to do now is this. I hope to pick a picture or two at the end of each week that falls under the following categories, not necessarily in this order: Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real, Love and Thankful, or otherwise known as P.H.F.R.L.T. By doing this, I hope to focus a bit more on the things around me, snapping pictures, enjoying each day. Especially through the winter, where I can find it difficult with the long dark days.

So, here we go. First off,

Pretty

The one thing I do look forward to in winter are the sunsets. I find they can be much more beautiful than the sunsets of summer.

Happy

Our oldest nephew came for a few days. And what fun he had with the kids! All three were very happy to spend some time together!

Thankful (see? changed the order already :o)

We are so thankful that despite all she's been through (especially with so many procedures done on her face), her first visit to the dentist went amazing!!

Real

Reality is though, we need to do a bit of a better job brushing her teeth. She had two tiny cavities. She handled that well, too! "Mom, my cheek is asleep!"

Funny

This is how Lincoln plugs his ears whenever I use my blender :o)

Love

Kisses for his big sister.

I hope you all had a pretty, happy, real, funny, thankful and lovely week!!

What Adoption Has Taught Us - Part 1B

Part 1B of why Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Part 1A is the post before this one.

So, you made it....done all the paperwork, your friends and family have vouched for you and nothing has come up in the past that marks you with a red flag. Every door in your house has a lock at the top and you now are used to showering in lukewarm water. You did it!!!

Now begins The Wait. The Wait may be different, depending on the organization you went with. You might be waiting for a call, or an email. We went privately, so that means we received emails for potential adoptive opportunities.

This leaves you checking your email 87 times a day, all with the hopes of "maybe this time there's something.....", only to see that there's only an email for the latest wagjag deal for a kids' indoor playground, which only pierces your heart more as you realize in order to enjoy that deal, you kind of need a kid.

Days go by, weeks, and then months. Deep down, you know it could take many years. After all, there were plenty of people who told you that! Sigh. You try to keep busy.

And then, one day there's an email. Your heart stops. You read through the very few details, call your spouse franticly, all the while praying that this could be the one!!! And then, as you read more carefully through the details, there are red flags. And you realize that this one is not to be. So you turn it down. And then the guilt hits. Doesn't every child deserve a Christian home?! Lord, were we wrong? Will this be the only potential this year and we turned it down???

Finally, what seems like too long, there's another email. One that "fits" us! And so we say "Yes! Please present us to the birth parents!". And a new waiting begins. Will they choose us? What do they think while looking through the Profile Book? Will they click with us through that Profile Book? Should we start getting things ready? Even though you warn yourself not to "go there", you start to picture a little one in your arms. You have a name picked out. You envision how you will share the news with family and friends.

But then the world stops. You've received word. And it's NO. No, you were not chosen. She/they chose someone else (or possibly chose to parent). Although you've tried to guard your heart, keeping your hopes low, you don't realize until you hear this devastating news how high your hopes actually were. You are crushed. It is not to be. Why?! Oh, WHY NOT US?! What was wrong with us?! Was there something in the Profile Book that they misunderstood? Because honestly, in our eyes, we see ourselves as the best potential parents out there!

And so, The Wait continues. Sometimes for weeks/months before you hear news of another potential (In our case, Keziah's email was the second one but the first one we were interested in while waiting; Lincoln's was the third one out of 18 that we 'went after').

At last, you receive a potential that seems to be a 'good' one, one that looks promising. Again, you allow your Profile Book to be seen, all the while trying hard to protect your heart this time. You have no idea when the birth parent(s) will see it, or what they are thinking. You wait, trying to live your life normally, as if nothing is happening. It could very well be a 'no'. You again try to protect your heart from hurt, from rejection. Yet, once again, it's another 'no'. Your hopes plummet faster than your body temperature if dipped into icy Lake Ontario.

The Roller Coaster ride continues. Will you ever be chosen? Is God saying adoption is not for your family? Is there one out there for us?! Will we ever get to hear a 'yes'?! How long can we endure this?!

But you stick it out. Waiting.

The days go by. You can't help but feel that everyone is having a baby, but you.

It's a Friday evening. You are exhausted from work. Before you go to bed, you check your email just one more time (113th time that day, but who's counting anyway?). There is an email. You cautiously proceed, praying earnestly that this is the one. And if not, you pray for peace, resting in the knowledge that God is sovereign. You allow your Profile Book to be seen. Again.

What seems like an eternity, you receive word: Yes. This time it's a yes!!! Hallelujah!!!!! Praise God! Really?! We were liked??? They chose us?! Oh yes!!!! So exciting! And if you are like me, guilt also nudges my heart as I realize that while we received a "yes" email/phone call, other families received a 'no' for this very one.

But the wait is not over! (Again, I can only comment on our experiences. With Keziah we were chosen early, and had to wait 4 more months before she was born. With Lincoln, it was only 5 weeks).

You start getting things ready. In due time you share the exciting news with all our loved ones. But you are guarded. Your feelings are reserved. For while there is excitement, you can never, ever forget that this promised baby is not yours.

At any moment, the birth parents can change their minds. And rightly so. You are incredibly aware that while you've been chosen, you can be quickly 'un-chosen'. And so you spend time in humble prayer before God, pleading with Him that this child He has created may be brought into your home.

In God's timing, this baby is born. You are called to meet "your" little one. You take him/her home. But guess what? Don't think The Wait is over! Oh no. And if you thought The Wait before was painful? How about waiting for more than a month to see if the birth parents will change their minds and take their baby back? All the while with that little one in your arms?! My, oh my. This part still makes me tear up. While it didn't happen to us, the possibility of the birth parents taking their baby back is real and great.

It is not until that time period is over (minimum 29 days) that you can finally, FINALLY celebrate the addition to your family without restraint. And so begins a new dimension to your life, a life that includes a child.

So tell me. Would you agree with me that Adoption is not for the faint of heart?

I do not want you to go away from this though, thinking that it is impossible. For if it is God's will to adopt, it is possible, for He will make it possible. We will talk more of this God, our Fortress, in my next post, and what we learned about Him.

The intent of this post was to invite you to take a side car on the roller coaster ride. Yes, I was honest, even brutal, to the point you may leave thinking "Well, hasn't she ever put a negative slant on Adoption." No, not negative. Just truthful. And you could say I am negative about it if I were to leave it at just these two posts. But as you know, there are a few more posts coming. And hopefully, at the end of the month, you will see how Adoption is not just difficult. It can be beautiful. There are so many positives about it as well! And while I may not find this roller coaster in an Amusement Park, it is one ride that we are so thankful to have been on and are on.

What Adoption Has Taught Us - Part 1A

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am hoping to do some writing on What Adoption Has Taught Us to commemorate Adoption Awareness month. I hope to cover the following, but it could very well change as the month goes on:

1. Adoption has taught us it is not for the faint of heart (in two parts)
2. What Adoption has taught us about birth parents
3. What Adoption has taught us about us as individuals, as a couple and most importantly, of God
4. What Adoption has taught us about our children

So here we go: Adoption has taught us that it is not for the faint of heart. This was supposed to be just one post, but once I got typing, I couldn't stop!! It became so long! And so I split it into two parts. The first part is that you cannot be faint of heart to endure the process of getting on The List. The second part will cover the fact that you can't be faint of heart to brave The Wait.

Oh, and not only can't you be faint of heart, you can't be a tree activist either - unless you are prepared to replace every tree that was used to make the mountains of paper that was needed for you to adopt.

But seriously, adoption is tough. It is hard work. It's a roller coaster ride like you've never been on before.

I say this not to deter you from pursuing it. I say it to those who think that adoption is such an easy answer for those who would love to have kids, or more kids.

While it may seem like an easy answer, it is far from it. If you want to adopt, you better be prepared to have every square inch of your life examined. And I am not just talking about present day. Oh no, your past and your future will need to be inspected as well.

In order to be seen as "fit to parent", friends, co-workers, ministers, doctors and family members will need to vouch for you.

You will need to have your home inspected to make sure your future child won't get a scratch. Your hot water is checked to make sure it is not too hot; every bottle in your home that has a Cross Bones better be on the very top shelf, locked in there with 3 padlocks (yes, slight exaggeration but it's amazing what all needs a checkmark in order for you home to be approved).

 You will need to lay out how you are going to raise your kids (ha!!! I should look back to see how we answered this. Such an easy question actually to answer - when you don't have kids :o).

You will need to have physicals, police checks, fingerprints done, visit after visit with social workers.

You will need to decide on what you are comfortable with: a child with disabilities and what degree of disability, a different race, a mixed race, open adoption, how open to be with adoption, boy, girl, both, age of the child, circumstances of the child, drugs/alcohol during pregnancy, genetic difficulties, siblings, location, and I am sure I'll think of some more after I post this.

Almost done! Yay! But first, you need to check off 27 hours of training, what is known as P.R.I.D.E. which stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education. And this course is only offered certain times of the year. And fill up very quickly!

All of this is the ride before you are actually on The List.

And then, just when you think you've exhausted everything, including all the pens in your home, you are asked to make a Profile Book. A Profile Book is a book that birth parents will use to choose you to raise their child. You address them in your book, like you are writing them a letter. This book needs to be about yourselves. Have you ever tried to make a book about yourself, knowing that what you put in there could either turn birth parents off, or interest them? In that book, you present yourselves as individuals, as a couple, your interests, your values, your future goals, what you hope for in a relationship with the birth parents. And don't forget to add pictures! But be careful! You don't want to put too much in this book, or too little; or put in old pictures of yourselves or too many posed pictures; or look fake, or be too serious; or be too adventurous, or be too much of a homebody, or, well, I think you get the idea. Basically, it's a book that pretty much makes you feel like you are selling yourself in order to prove that YOU are the ones the birth parents should choose over and above all the other vying adoptive parents. Yeah, a very difficult project to complete.

Here are a few pages from our Profile Book (3 out of 21 pages):

Did I mention yet that all this needs to be done while you continue to live your life normally, working at your job?

What may have seem never-ending, you finally see the bottom page of the 3 foot high paper stack. You sign it and breathe a big sigh of relief. You are approved and now on The List. Yay! Time for celebration!! But then the next day happens, and you begin The Wait. Oh, The Wait. How torturous this time can be. And long. More of this on the next post.

November? Already?!

Wow, 3 posts in one week! I am on a roll!! :o)

November is:

Last year, I did a series of Q & A's, doing my best to answer the questions posed to us by you in regards to adoption. While you wait for me to get down "on paper" this year's installment for Adoption Awareness month (just busy getting over the shock that it is November already!), and if you are interested, I invite you to read through those blog posts from last year, especially if you haven't read them already.

You will find it here:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

This year I hope to write about "What Adoption Has Taught Us". Stay tuned! :o)