Many questions directed to us are genuine and we love that. We will then take the time to answer and be as honest as we can be. One question that has come up recently and has been asked of us in the past is this one:
Do you ever feel like the kids aren't yours?
To us that is a very genuine and valid question. Why? Because if we are to be honest, it is a question that we had as well before we adopted.
And if I am even more honest with you, every time *I* saw a child that was adopted, it was always the first thing that popped into my mine. "There's so and so who is adopted.". I could never leave it as "There's so and so.".
Maybe it's because we knew right away in our marriage that to have children, it would only be through adoption and so that is why I took mental note (again and again) as to who was adopted. That term 'adopted' meant something to us, even before we pursued it.
So when we did start looking into adoption, that very same question of will our kids feel like ours rose high in our minds.
If we are blessed with children via adoption, will we see our children through adoption-filtered eyes?
Will we see "adopted" on our children every time we lay eyes on them?
Will we ever see our children as just that, ours? Not "our adopted children"?
And just in case those questions aren't enough to keep you awake, other questions along those lines start to assail you:
What if our child is so different (emotionally, characteristically etc.) from us that it is just so obvious that s/he is adopted? A side note here - we knew our children would look differently than us.....and that was not a concern of ours at all.
Will our child feel our label on them, that s/he will see that we can't get past that they are adopted?
Well, what can I say?
All I can say is that NO. A big huge emphatic NO.
NO, we have never felt like our children are not ours. Actually, quite the opposite!! I often forget that I never gave birth to them! It's not until others talk about pregnancy and birth that I am, get this, surprised that I can't talk about my pregnancies, because well, I never had a pregnancy, yet I have two absolutely beautiful children that I would die for.
You know what though? It really is just too hard to explain, to put into words....it is such a deep and emotional feeling, that we know our children are ours. It is something you would have to go through yourself to understand.
While this thought of "I don't think I could love a child that is not mine" is somewhat common (more so in men than women?), this thought cannot be farther than the truth. Not for us anyway.
I say that because you have to realize I am speaking like this based on our experience of adoption. While our answer to that question in red is such a sure and confident "NO", unfortunately there may be other families that have adopted who would answer the question very differently. But I can't answer that question for them and so I will not try. I can only speak for ourselves.
Our children felt like ours the moment they were graciously placed into our arms. Although I struggled with Adoption Blues after Keziah was born (possibly something to write about another time - such a thing as Adoption Blues?!), I do believe that had more to do with the fact that it was a HUGE adjustment in having a baby in our home after 11 years, not an adopted baby in our home.
And more than 5 years later, we have a little girl and a little boy that is a mini-us. Why? Because I do believe that children are a product of their environment. Yes, their personality and character are formed in their DNA, however their environment molds it. And seeing that both Keziah and Lincoln were brought into our homes at birth, they don't know any different!
BUT, you know what's really neat?! Due to both Keziah and Lincoln being in an Open Adoption, we know their birth parents a little bit, and have information on them i.e. likes, dislikes, talents, characteristics, what they are good at, what they struggled with etc. and it is so neat to see some of those traits coming through as well.
For example, Keziah absolutely LOVES winter. She pines for it all summer long. She can't handle it when it is too hot. She talks of winter all year. That is definitely not from either one of us. We know that is from her birth father. Keziah also is one of the most creative children I have ever seen. Again, so not one of us......we clearly see her birth mother in her.
If you had asked us whether we would be "cool" with that before we adopted, I don't think we would have given you a sure answer. But now, going through it, we can say for sure that we think it is pretty amazing to note what is from their genetics and what is from their environment. Again, it is something you just need to go through to understand.
So yes, we are confident to say that our children are ours.
When we kiss them goodnight, we kiss our children, not our adopted children.
When we discipline them, we discipline our children, not adopted children.
When we see them in a group of children, we see our children, not adopted children.
When they come running to us with a look of glee on their faces, calling, "Mommy!! Daddy!!", it is our children that are running to us, not our adopted children.
They may not have our hair colour or our stubborn nature (phew!), they *do* have our hearts. They are ours.
Completely. Thoroughly. Absolutely. Unconditionally.
Thank you, God!!!!
PS. I have a tonne of pictures that I wanted to post to prove it, but yeah, this post is long enough, so maybe just a few? They are from a few years ago.....before I started to blog.
