How Could She?

With Mother's Day a few weeks ago and with Father's Day coming up, we can't help but think of our children's birthparents a little more than usual.

It was through God using them that we received two little blessings. A fact that we will always be grateful for.

When people find out we've adopted, one of the first questions that come out of their mouths is "I don't get it. How could a mother give up her baby?"

I will admit that this question can rub me the wrong way at times. Maybe you've asked this question to me and noticed I got a bit defensive. Don't take it personal. Just know that it is because I am defending some very special people. I also know you may not mean it, but it can come across as a judgemental question.

But when you ask that question, please realize that we also don't have an answer. You know why? Because we have never walked in her shoes.

See, that is the key: the reason why we don't understand is because we haven't been there. We haven't had to walk down this road. We haven't been faced with this life-changing decision. We haven't had to swallow our pride by admitting that we are in no position to raise a child.

And yes, one can question whether it is selfish to give the baby up, or selfish to keep the baby, but that is not for us to judge. Judging does not help this matter at all. Society judges those who place their babies up for adoption AND society judges those teen moms who are trying their best to raise a baby but is obvious that it is not going so well. It's like they could never win either way! That is sad.

The reason why I can get somewhat defensive over this question, is because you also have not walked in our shoes. You were not with us when we witnessed the heartache, the tears, the grieving from the birthparents that happened when these little ones were placed in our arms. We were there to see it and having seen it, it is something we will never, ever forget.

For our children's birthparents, we don't see it as "giving up their baby". We actually like to look at it in a different light: they recognized that they were not equipped! For those who have grown up in the church with the blessing of the communion of saints, or raised in a stable home, never take this for granted. You have no idea how blessed you are until you see what others are missing.

The birthparents were also mature enough to see past the idea of showing off a baby which looks always so cute and innocent. They knew this baby will grow up dependent on them - that past the cute and cuddly stage comes a stage where discipline, guidance and direction is needed, a stage that they themselves were still in!

But the reason I may get defensive most of all is because of this fact: while it is a choice, it was a choice they did not take: abortion. They recognized they were carrying life! In today's society when abortion seems to be the simple answer (oh, it sure isn't, but it can be seen as this), these birthparents knew they could not go down that road. And so, they carried their little ones for 9 months.

And that is why we have much respect for our children's birthparents. They cared for our children for 9 very important months; they took their vitamins, went to the doctor's for regular check-ups, ate properly, got their ultrasounds done etc. And on top of all that, they took the time to care for their children by choosing a family that will carry on this love and commitment for their child.

I realize that this may not be the case for all birthparents, but I am speaking only from our experience.

No matter how often you ask or try to figure out the answer to "how could she", you will never come up with the answer, unless you are wearing those shoes.

But you know what? Our children's birthparents weren't the only ones that "gave up" their children. Our heavenly Father gave up His Son as well. Why?? For you and for me. Because He loves us.

And when you believe that fact, that God gave His Son for us, that we may have eternal life through Christ's death and ressurection, then it looks like our children aren't the only ones adopted. So are you!!!

So instead of judging others (not only with this but in all things we don't understand), change it to praying for others. We aren't called to understand the reasons for everything, why others do things that they do. But we are called to love one another.

And let's change this question of "How could she?" to a statement of marvel and praise to God for allowing our children's birthparents to recognize the life He created.