Adoption Bliss, No?

When people found out that we could not have a biological child, they often asked us in quite an enthusiastic way, "So, are you going to adopt?!" Their faces would contain big eager smiles, including excitement in their eyes, thinking that to adopt would just be so cool! Well, cool and exciting to them, yet apparently not cool or exciting enough to actually pursue adoption themselves! (not yet or never will). But I already digress, and I am not even done the first paragraph.

So you can imagine then the elation they expressed when we did share that yes, after many years of living as a family of two, and with lots of prayer, we have decided to go the Adoption Route.

Within the year of deciding to look into adoption (9 months from looking into it to the day she was born), a beautiful darling little girl was placed into our arms. What a gift! A blessing from God!

So much joy was shared with us by so many - a joy that is just so hard to describe. But it was there. It was palpable.

Our baby came home at 4 days old, can't really get too much newer than that :o) As the days having her turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, I often would hear statements like,

• "Wow, Keziah is just so blessed to have you and Nathan as parents."
• "Michelle, you are such a great mom. The love your students received was great, and now little Keziah will get it all!"
• "You must be over the moon and just filled with so much joy!"

People were just so happy for us. But you know what? Every time someone would say something along those lines above, a sharp pain would start in my heart; my chest would constrict and I would have a hard time breathing. Why, you ask?!

Well, I am going to admit something that I haven't done with too many people, and I most certainly didn't say anything or admit a word about this while struggling.

But before I do this, I want to write a disclaimer: how I felt had nothing to do with Keziah - she just happened to be my firstborn. I know I would have experienced what I did no matter who was our first baby.

Okay. Deep breath. Here goes:

Huh?! Is there even such a thing?! Post Adoption Depression?! Seriously? What's next, you ask. Man, there's a diagnosis for everything, isn't there?! How real could this actually be?

Oh, my reader, it absolutely is out there. In fact, just google it. That's actually how I, er, Nathan, figured out that it was exactly what I was going through: Adoption Blues.

It is real and it is hard. And so difficult to explain and be understood! 

Adoption Blues?! Isn't that kind of like an oxy-moron?

After all, we went after adoption, didn't we?  We pursued it! We prayed for a baby! We *knew* that the goal of going down the adoption route was to receive a baby.  We went through years of tears of seeing everyone else receiving babies while we didn't, so what's this about adoption blues?!

How in the world is it possible that one can get blue after receiving something they have spent months and years working and praying for?!

Well, I did. I got it and it hit me hard! But you know what one of the hardest parts was? Denying it! I denied it for various reasons, one of them being that I was just so afraid that God would get frustrated with me and take back the gift He gave me. I was so frightened that He would take my "blues" as my being ungrateful. So I lived in fear of Him taking Keziah away through a terrible accident, with her losing her life.

The other reason I didn't dare speak of what I was struggling with was because I was so worried about people's reactions 

Person: "How's it going,  Michelle? Can you believe you actually have a baby? Isn't this the best??! Isn't life amazing now?!"

Me: "Ummmm, well, I certainly love her, but wow, I just can't stop crying......and I haven't even given birth! Yet I feel my hormones are all over the place!! Being a mom is just so hard! I have no idea what I am doing. "

Person: "What did you expect?! I mean, you wanted to adopt, didn't you? So you mean to say you aren't thankful now that you have what you have wanted for so long?! How could you be struggling with a gift that you've prayed for?"

And so there I went, meeting and greeting people with a false smile plastered on my face, answering that first question with "Yes! I am loving it! This is just so amazing!!", feeling like the biggest liar because the night before I was sobbing in the rocking chair at 2:30 in the morning, holding my sweetheart of a baby, not knowing whether I was coming or going, while my darling husband was googling my "symptoms", trying to figure out what has gotten into his wife.

So, what was really was so hard about Adoption that it would trigger Post Adoption Blues? What are the symptoms? How does one get through it?

You'll have to wait till next time......

PS. that worry of peoples' reactions? Yeah, it's what I am now trying to keep at bay as I put this out there, 6 years later. I ask that you don't judge. Please pray - not for me, but for those who may very well be going through this right now.