I believe this week is Infertility Week......I am taking a guess, but I know it is sometime in April.
I wrote this letter two years ago, and I am digging in the archives to re-post it. I like to read it every once in awhile as a reminder to myself as to how *not* to react to those who are fertile. Yes, I do sometimes need reminders......sigh.
Anyway, I hope if you are fertile that you take my letter seriously and that you know I mean every word. And if you are dealing with infertility (whether that be primary or secondary), I pray you may also come to a point in your journey where joy for others may be there despite the sadness.
Like I end off in the letter, may we all be encouraged to walk side-by-side, Christ-like, no matter the situation we are in.
A Letter
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Monday, May 11, 2015
Scenerios
"MOM!!!! Come and see this!" Yelled on the top of the lungs, through the house.
"I want my mom!!!" Said when child gets hurt.
"Who is her mother?" Asked at a doctor's office.
"I am."
"I don't want you to do it, I want my mom to do it." Said at a friend's house.
"Mommmmmmmmyyyyyy" Said after not seeing mom due to a day at school.
"That's my mom!" Said with a note of claim to a friend.
What do the above scenarios have in common? They were all scenarios that would put a knife through my heart before we were gifted children by God.
I would hear this day in and day out as a teacher and as a person who had friends that were moms long before me.
So often I would hear a child exclaim excitement that only mom was allowed share in it first.
Seeing my friend busy, I would offer to help a child, only to be told that I am not allowed to by the child because I was not his mom.
I would see the glee on my students' faces whenever mom walked into the classroom. Up until that point, I was everything. But once mom walked in, I got bumped.
I have overheard the pride in a child's voice when they laid claim of their mother to their new found friends at the playground.
Not every time, but many a time, it would twist my gut. It was so painfully obvious that no matter how much I loved the little people in my life, and they loved me - my nieces, my nephews, my students, my friends' kids - when it came down to it, I just was *not* their mom.
Don't get me wrong - that excitement for their mom was rightly placed. That need of wanting only mom to help was normal and expected. Despite it often hurting so much that I was naturally bumped, I was also thankful to witness this relationship between a mother and her child. It made me long for it as well.
That is why now my heart is often in my throat. My eyes are often flooded. My breath is snatched away from me.
By the grace of God, all those scenarios mentioned above, plus so, so many more, now include ME and my children.
When Keziah comes off the bus or meets me at school and cries out, "Mommmmmmyyyy!!", I am still struck with "Is a child really calling out to me?! Really?! My very own?!".
When Lincoln is tired, or lonely, or nervous and all he wants is me, his mom, I can't help but take him up in my arms.
When we are walking in a parking lot, and both children quietly slip their little hands into mine, I want the time to stop so that I can just savour this moment for longer.
And when I tuck them into bed one last time before I go to bed, and they sleepily look up and say, "Mom. I love you." with sweet-smelling breath, my heart lodges in my throat and tears form in my eyes, and I just want to snuggle them forever.
Yes, God has blessed me beyond measure in many things, one of them being my children. He has used my children to bring me closer to Him, to look to Him for wisdom, encouragement and strength.
I pray daily for those who find themselves hurting, outside of the above scenarios, praying, wishing, desiring to one day have their own mother-child scenes, or scenarios that include more than one child. May God be your source of comfort.
I praise and thank God for these treasured gifts and continue to pray that He may bless me as their mother - that I may do my best to teach, guide and nurture these two blessings to the honour and glory of His Name. I certainly mess up many times (as you will know by reading this blog), however, with the help of God, my dear husband and lots of forgiveness and grace mixed in there, we are able to enjoy so many scenarios that build up our relationship between mother and children. How blessed am I!
"I want my mom!!!" Said when child gets hurt.
"Who is her mother?" Asked at a doctor's office.
"I am."
"I don't want you to do it, I want my mom to do it." Said at a friend's house.
"Mommmmmmmmyyyyyy" Said after not seeing mom due to a day at school.
"That's my mom!" Said with a note of claim to a friend.
What do the above scenarios have in common? They were all scenarios that would put a knife through my heart before we were gifted children by God.
I would hear this day in and day out as a teacher and as a person who had friends that were moms long before me.
So often I would hear a child exclaim excitement that only mom was allowed share in it first.
Seeing my friend busy, I would offer to help a child, only to be told that I am not allowed to by the child because I was not his mom.
I would see the glee on my students' faces whenever mom walked into the classroom. Up until that point, I was everything. But once mom walked in, I got bumped.
I have overheard the pride in a child's voice when they laid claim of their mother to their new found friends at the playground.
Not every time, but many a time, it would twist my gut. It was so painfully obvious that no matter how much I loved the little people in my life, and they loved me - my nieces, my nephews, my students, my friends' kids - when it came down to it, I just was *not* their mom.
Don't get me wrong - that excitement for their mom was rightly placed. That need of wanting only mom to help was normal and expected. Despite it often hurting so much that I was naturally bumped, I was also thankful to witness this relationship between a mother and her child. It made me long for it as well.
That is why now my heart is often in my throat. My eyes are often flooded. My breath is snatched away from me.
By the grace of God, all those scenarios mentioned above, plus so, so many more, now include ME and my children.
When Keziah comes off the bus or meets me at school and cries out, "Mommmmmmyyyy!!", I am still struck with "Is a child really calling out to me?! Really?! My very own?!".
When Lincoln is tired, or lonely, or nervous and all he wants is me, his mom, I can't help but take him up in my arms.
When we are walking in a parking lot, and both children quietly slip their little hands into mine, I want the time to stop so that I can just savour this moment for longer.
And when I tuck them into bed one last time before I go to bed, and they sleepily look up and say, "Mom. I love you." with sweet-smelling breath, my heart lodges in my throat and tears form in my eyes, and I just want to snuggle them forever.
Yes, God has blessed me beyond measure in many things, one of them being my children. He has used my children to bring me closer to Him, to look to Him for wisdom, encouragement and strength.
I pray daily for those who find themselves hurting, outside of the above scenarios, praying, wishing, desiring to one day have their own mother-child scenes, or scenarios that include more than one child. May God be your source of comfort.
I praise and thank God for these treasured gifts and continue to pray that He may bless me as their mother - that I may do my best to teach, guide and nurture these two blessings to the honour and glory of His Name. I certainly mess up many times (as you will know by reading this blog), however, with the help of God, my dear husband and lots of forgiveness and grace mixed in there, we are able to enjoy so many scenarios that build up our relationship between mother and children. How blessed am I!
Monday, November 24, 2014
Adoption Awareness
Well, November is almost over and with this month being Adoption Awareness month, you may have thought I had forgotten, especially seeing that the last two years I've written a number of blog posts in this particular month on the topic of Adoption.
Nope, not forgotten.....just waiting for something to strike me to write about. I felt I had written quite a bit about Adoption the last few Novembers and I wasn't sure what I could add to it. If you haven't read those blog posts, I encourage you to do so. Some of them are long, but worth the time to read (am I allowed to say that about my own writing?! I hope that doesn't come across the wrong way..). You never know - it could help you in YOUR journey or someone else's. Because guaranteed if it's not you dealing with infertility, someone close to you is as infertility affects 1 in every 4 couples. And when we talk infertility, the topic of Adoption is not far behind......trying to know whether it's for your family or not, which can be so hard considering everyone else thinks it's the answer and solution. Besides, adopt and most likely you will get pregnant! That's what happened to my sister's husband's aunt's daughter's niece. (I hope you know I am being sarcastic.....;)
After giving my readership an opportunity to ask me whatever about adoption, I answered the questions I received in the following links back in November 2012:
Adoption Q & A Part One
Adoption Q & A Part Two
Adoption Q & A Part Three
Last year, November 2013, I wrote about 5 things Adoption has taught us:
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 1A
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 1B
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 2
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 3
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 4
Lots of reading material for you! In the meantime, I will continue to think about what to write about this year in regards to Adoption Awareness. I have an idea or two, but please let me know via here or email me whether there is something you'd like me to write about as well. You can always remain anonymous if you leave a comment here, I do not mind that at all.
I hope to have a write up later this week or next week. Give me your thoughts! :o)
Sunday, April 20, 2014
A Letter
April 20-26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week. Last year I wrote a bunch of Do's and Don'ts when dealing with those who struggle with infertility, as well as a list of Do's and Don'ts for those of us who do struggle with infertility. If you are new to the blog and are interested in reading those lists, you will find them on the side bar, under April 2013.
This year, I thought I'd do something a little different. Over the course of our married life, we have come across many more fertile couples than not. And it is those child-bearing couples that I'd like to address via a letter. So here goes:
Dear Fertile Couple,
Being a fertile couple around an infertile couple can not be easy. There are many awkward moments, moments in which you know your situation is the cause for grief in those who have trouble conceiving. In lieu of that, I dedicate this letter to YOU, an apology letter:
We are sorry. No, not sorry for your fertility, but sorry for the following reasons:
1. We are sorry that we did not understand that being pregnant quickly after your last child is something that you may be grappling with. In fact, we are even more ashamed that we dismissed this gift of another baby with a sarcastic "She's pregnant again?!"
2. We apologize for rolling our eyes mentally when you tell us you are expecting, exactly two years to the date of the birth of your last child. And your child before that, and your child before that.....This is not the way to view any blessing of God, whether that blessing be in your life or mine.
3. I am sorry for not listening carefully while you share your struggles of parenting. I was hard of hearing as my ears were filled with envy wax, envious of the fact that you *had* those struggles. That meant you had something I wanted: children.
4. We are sorry for giving off the impression that we knew better in parenting, even though in fact, we had no idea. We apologize for giving advice or stating things or seeing things that you are trying to deal with already, and yet we still felt the need to tell you what we think or how you should do things (I may not have vocalized what I thought, but my body language sure wasn't hard to read). We truly had no idea.
5. We are sorry for biting back at you when you suggested adoption to us. We know you only meant well.
6. We are sorry for keeping you at an arm's length when we were hurting the most. In fact, we should have kept you close so we could lean on you in our darkest days.
7. I am sorry for not understanding how uncomfortable and painful a pregnancy can be on the body; I was naïve by viewing pregnancy through rose-coloured glasses.
8. I am sorry for wallowing in my own grief of never conceiving while you deal with a miscarriage, not really clueing in that we are both grieving similar losses. My bitterness took over and so I was not able to share in your grief like a Christian should have. The thought of, "well, at least you can *get* pregnant" clouded my vision and so I was not able to support you properly.
9. I am sorry for ever calling you Fertile Myrtle, even if I never did say that out loud.
10. We are sorry for judging you in regards to how God was blessing you with children
11. We are sorry for judging your parenting style and techniques, not recognizing that a child doesn't always reflect how s/he is being raised. They are born with just as much of a sinful nature as you and I.
12. We apologize for not always truly sharing in your joy of your good news, when you told us you were expecting.
13. I am sorry for ever coming across that my being a teacher is equivalent to parenting. My, oh my. While both require consistency, discipline, structure and lots of love (among other things), it is oh so vastly different. 24 hours, 7 days a week, lifelong is no comparison to 6.5 hours, 5 days a week, 10 months of the year.
14. We are sorry for always having our infertility taint your fertility. Meaning, that our infertility was always like a cloud around us, which made you unsure of how to proceed to tell us of your exciting news.
We would like to end this letter with a 'thank you'. Thank you for including us in your good news, even if it made you nervous as to how to go about that, wanting to keep us from hurting. Thank you for sharing your joys and burdens of parenting. And most of all, thank you for not ditching us to the curb to wallow in our self-pity, but instead, forgiving us of our selfishness and still kept up a relationship with us.
Sincerely,
Us, the Infertile Couple
May we all, infertile or fertile, hold each other up, encouraging each other. Neither road is an easy road to journey. We need each other. May we continue to be a hand and foot for each other as we share in each other's joys and sorrows.
Praying this week for all those who struggle with infertility.
Praying for all those who struggle with their fertility.
May God bless each of us on either road we find ourselves on.
This year, I thought I'd do something a little different. Over the course of our married life, we have come across many more fertile couples than not. And it is those child-bearing couples that I'd like to address via a letter. So here goes:
Dear Fertile Couple,
Being a fertile couple around an infertile couple can not be easy. There are many awkward moments, moments in which you know your situation is the cause for grief in those who have trouble conceiving. In lieu of that, I dedicate this letter to YOU, an apology letter:
We are sorry. No, not sorry for your fertility, but sorry for the following reasons:
1. We are sorry that we did not understand that being pregnant quickly after your last child is something that you may be grappling with. In fact, we are even more ashamed that we dismissed this gift of another baby with a sarcastic "She's pregnant again?!"
2. We apologize for rolling our eyes mentally when you tell us you are expecting, exactly two years to the date of the birth of your last child. And your child before that, and your child before that.....This is not the way to view any blessing of God, whether that blessing be in your life or mine.
3. I am sorry for not listening carefully while you share your struggles of parenting. I was hard of hearing as my ears were filled with envy wax, envious of the fact that you *had* those struggles. That meant you had something I wanted: children.
4. We are sorry for giving off the impression that we knew better in parenting, even though in fact, we had no idea. We apologize for giving advice or stating things or seeing things that you are trying to deal with already, and yet we still felt the need to tell you what we think or how you should do things (I may not have vocalized what I thought, but my body language sure wasn't hard to read). We truly had no idea.
5. We are sorry for biting back at you when you suggested adoption to us. We know you only meant well.
6. We are sorry for keeping you at an arm's length when we were hurting the most. In fact, we should have kept you close so we could lean on you in our darkest days.
7. I am sorry for not understanding how uncomfortable and painful a pregnancy can be on the body; I was naïve by viewing pregnancy through rose-coloured glasses.
8. I am sorry for wallowing in my own grief of never conceiving while you deal with a miscarriage, not really clueing in that we are both grieving similar losses. My bitterness took over and so I was not able to share in your grief like a Christian should have. The thought of, "well, at least you can *get* pregnant" clouded my vision and so I was not able to support you properly.
9. I am sorry for ever calling you Fertile Myrtle, even if I never did say that out loud.
10. We are sorry for judging you in regards to how God was blessing you with children
11. We are sorry for judging your parenting style and techniques, not recognizing that a child doesn't always reflect how s/he is being raised. They are born with just as much of a sinful nature as you and I.
12. We apologize for not always truly sharing in your joy of your good news, when you told us you were expecting.
13. I am sorry for ever coming across that my being a teacher is equivalent to parenting. My, oh my. While both require consistency, discipline, structure and lots of love (among other things), it is oh so vastly different. 24 hours, 7 days a week, lifelong is no comparison to 6.5 hours, 5 days a week, 10 months of the year.
14. We are sorry for always having our infertility taint your fertility. Meaning, that our infertility was always like a cloud around us, which made you unsure of how to proceed to tell us of your exciting news.
We would like to end this letter with a 'thank you'. Thank you for including us in your good news, even if it made you nervous as to how to go about that, wanting to keep us from hurting. Thank you for sharing your joys and burdens of parenting. And most of all, thank you for not ditching us to the curb to wallow in our self-pity, but instead, forgiving us of our selfishness and still kept up a relationship with us.
Sincerely,
Us, the Infertile Couple
May we all, infertile or fertile, hold each other up, encouraging each other. Neither road is an easy road to journey. We need each other. May we continue to be a hand and foot for each other as we share in each other's joys and sorrows.
Praying this week for all those who struggle with infertility.
Praying for all those who struggle with their fertility.
May God bless each of us on either road we find ourselves on.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
March Musings
We are in the middle of March Break right now. I know what you are thinking - "you don't have any kids in school, so how are you in the middle of March Break?!"
Well, when you've been a teacher for 10 years, you still get excited for all the breaks, whether that be in March, at Christmas or for the summer. In fact, although I haven't been teaching for 4 years, I still get an exhilaration rush in the beginning of September! What can I say, it is still in me.
As a teacher, I always looked forward to the breaks. I loved teaching, but I also loved having some time to do housework during daylight hours. Not that I did any, what, with always postponing it to the next day, only for the break to be done before I picked up a dust cloth!
And yet, these breaks were often painful. I would love my first day off, but then by the second, I would start getting restless. By the middle of the break, the topic of adoption would often come up as I became lonely, missing my students. Questions would plague our minds: Is it time to pursue? Is it for us? Are we both on the same page? Is it just because my heart feels empty? Is it wise to look into something when you are vulnerable?
Because truly, throughout the rest of the school year, adoption never really came up. I was content with all these 5 and 6 year olds around me, children that were the closest that came to being "mine" at that time.
To help fill the void during the breaks, I would often have my "nieces/nephews" over, to spend some time with them and to give mom and dad a break. Or I would travel along with mom and dad to special outings, helping in any way I could. It was fun, and I always appreciated being included. I loved the interaction with these special little people in my life.
And yet, once the fun was had and it was time to go home, I would always leave these events. Alone. I would pass by the family I was with, driving by as I have already hopped very easily in my car. And with no one else but me to buckle in, I was even most likely arriving home before they had everyone fastened in their assigned seats, with snacks in hand and noses wiped.
While I always was so thankful to be included, it often left me with a pain in my heart, sometimes one not so sharp, and other times it would be a pain that felt like it was ripping my heart in shreds. Leaving in tears was not an uncommon conclusion.
Well, that brings me to today. Today was a gorgeous and beautiful day. Not because it was a sunny 14 degrees!!! That's right, 14 degrees CELCIUS!!! But today was a beautiful day, because this time I went to an event with not only my nephews, but also my own daughter and son.
And this time, at the end of enjoying a March Break activity, I was *not* able to just hop into the car quickly. That's because I had two of my own children to buckle in, hand out some snacks and wipe some noses.
I was *not* home by the time my sister and brother in law turned on their van. In fact, I was the last one to leave, because unlike them, I had to fold up a stroller (they are past that stage) and place in the back of the vehicle.
And I most certainly did *not* leave with a pain in my heart. While I may have shed a tear or two, they were completely different tears than years ago. Instead of my heart feeling like it was being ripped apart, it felt like it was ready to burst. With love. With gratitude.
It never ceases to amaze me that God has blessed us with two of His treasured blessings. We are always so thankful for the 11 years we had together as a family of two, and we will never cease to be thankful for the new dimension of having two more added to our family.
Tonight at supper, Keziah was asking me how much I loved her. After trying to explain to her how deep my love was for her, she was quick to respond:
"Mom, I love you so much too. And I will even love you when you are dead, even though you won't know it then.".
I almost choked on my supper! It was so hard not to laugh when she was so genuine.
And with that, the day ended and I was left with a full heart in the middle of March Break (a heart that also included a prayer that I will know my darling daughter loves me lots because, well, I am still alive!! :o)
Well, when you've been a teacher for 10 years, you still get excited for all the breaks, whether that be in March, at Christmas or for the summer. In fact, although I haven't been teaching for 4 years, I still get an exhilaration rush in the beginning of September! What can I say, it is still in me.
(yes, we still have that much snow in our backyard!)
And yet, these breaks were often painful. I would love my first day off, but then by the second, I would start getting restless. By the middle of the break, the topic of adoption would often come up as I became lonely, missing my students. Questions would plague our minds: Is it time to pursue? Is it for us? Are we both on the same page? Is it just because my heart feels empty? Is it wise to look into something when you are vulnerable?
Because truly, throughout the rest of the school year, adoption never really came up. I was content with all these 5 and 6 year olds around me, children that were the closest that came to being "mine" at that time.
To help fill the void during the breaks, I would often have my "nieces/nephews" over, to spend some time with them and to give mom and dad a break. Or I would travel along with mom and dad to special outings, helping in any way I could. It was fun, and I always appreciated being included. I loved the interaction with these special little people in my life.
And yet, once the fun was had and it was time to go home, I would always leave these events. Alone. I would pass by the family I was with, driving by as I have already hopped very easily in my car. And with no one else but me to buckle in, I was even most likely arriving home before they had everyone fastened in their assigned seats, with snacks in hand and noses wiped.
While I always was so thankful to be included, it often left me with a pain in my heart, sometimes one not so sharp, and other times it would be a pain that felt like it was ripping my heart in shreds. Leaving in tears was not an uncommon conclusion.
Well, that brings me to today. Today was a gorgeous and beautiful day. Not because it was a sunny 14 degrees!!! That's right, 14 degrees CELCIUS!!! But today was a beautiful day, because this time I went to an event with not only my nephews, but also my own daughter and son.
And this time, at the end of enjoying a March Break activity, I was *not* able to just hop into the car quickly. That's because I had two of my own children to buckle in, hand out some snacks and wipe some noses.
I was *not* home by the time my sister and brother in law turned on their van. In fact, I was the last one to leave, because unlike them, I had to fold up a stroller (they are past that stage) and place in the back of the vehicle.
And I most certainly did *not* leave with a pain in my heart. While I may have shed a tear or two, they were completely different tears than years ago. Instead of my heart feeling like it was being ripped apart, it felt like it was ready to burst. With love. With gratitude.
It never ceases to amaze me that God has blessed us with two of His treasured blessings. We are always so thankful for the 11 years we had together as a family of two, and we will never cease to be thankful for the new dimension of having two more added to our family.
Tonight at supper, Keziah was asking me how much I loved her. After trying to explain to her how deep my love was for her, she was quick to respond:
"Mom, I love you so much too. And I will even love you when you are dead, even though you won't know it then.".
I almost choked on my supper! It was so hard not to laugh when she was so genuine.
And with that, the day ended and I was left with a full heart in the middle of March Break (a heart that also included a prayer that I will know my darling daughter loves me lots because, well, I am still alive!! :o)
Saturday, April 27, 2013
The Do's and Don'ts - List 2
Now, a list for those of us who carry this burden. Again, remember that I can only speak for ourselves. Some of my "do's" may be someone's "don'ts" and vice versa. And at certain times, what I have listed as a do is something I shied away from. But in the end it only hurt myself and those that actually were trying to care.
Do know that most people are genuine and mean well in their comments. It sure can come out in funny ways and can come across as insensitive, but naturally we sometimes feel we have to say something, even if it's shallow or without much thought. I've done it plenty of times to others who are struggling with other burdens.
Do be honest if someone asks. I don't mean that you need to share all the details, but if someone asks about when you hope to start a family or if you have any kids, a simple answer of "The Lord has not blessed us with any as of yet." will help to put it into perspective as to Who is in control of our lives
Do know that others are going to be pregnant and have children. Be happy for them. I know, this can be hard sometimes.
Do know that moms are allowed to talk about their children. That is their work!! I always tried to remember that, if I was in a group of teachers, I would talk and share because that was my work. Well, the same goes with mothers.
Don't close yourself off from others. Again, easier said than done. In my most bitter times, the last thing I wanted was people to approach me. And people knew not to come near me because of my body language. If you know me, you will know that my body language is often much louder than my verbal (and I'm even a talker...so you can imagine how loud my body language can be!! :o)
Do know that if you don't want to be approached, you won't be. But then you can't complain that no one asks or seems to care
Do surround yourself with people you can confide in.
Do give people more credit. While they may not understand the burden of infertility, most people have dealt with a loss, sorrow and dark days/weeks/months. Most everyone is carrying a burden (or two or three....) so they may offer more than you think to help you through these valleys
Do cry. It's healthy.
Do pray that bitterness doesn't replace your sadness. Bitterness is such a dark, deep and ugly place that you don't want to be in. I've been there and I pray that I never go back.
Don't ever stop praying. Pray for a child, pray for understanding, peace, wisdom, patience, joy; pray for God's will to be a priority in your life, not a baby; pray that you stay clear of turning having a baby into an idol; pray for your spouse; pray for those who seem to be able to conceive just from folding their husband's underwear; and pray for those around you who are tip-toeing around you
I could go on. There is so much more to say. But I better leave it at this for now. The lists are incomplete, but at least it's a start that may help us all be a hand and a foot to each other, to share in each other's burdens, whatever they may be.
Do know that most people are genuine and mean well in their comments. It sure can come out in funny ways and can come across as insensitive, but naturally we sometimes feel we have to say something, even if it's shallow or without much thought. I've done it plenty of times to others who are struggling with other burdens.
Do be honest if someone asks. I don't mean that you need to share all the details, but if someone asks about when you hope to start a family or if you have any kids, a simple answer of "The Lord has not blessed us with any as of yet." will help to put it into perspective as to Who is in control of our lives
Do know that others are going to be pregnant and have children. Be happy for them. I know, this can be hard sometimes.
Do know that moms are allowed to talk about their children. That is their work!! I always tried to remember that, if I was in a group of teachers, I would talk and share because that was my work. Well, the same goes with mothers.
Don't close yourself off from others. Again, easier said than done. In my most bitter times, the last thing I wanted was people to approach me. And people knew not to come near me because of my body language. If you know me, you will know that my body language is often much louder than my verbal (and I'm even a talker...so you can imagine how loud my body language can be!! :o)
Do know that if you don't want to be approached, you won't be. But then you can't complain that no one asks or seems to care
Do surround yourself with people you can confide in.
Do give people more credit. While they may not understand the burden of infertility, most people have dealt with a loss, sorrow and dark days/weeks/months. Most everyone is carrying a burden (or two or three....) so they may offer more than you think to help you through these valleys
Do cry. It's healthy.
Do pray that bitterness doesn't replace your sadness. Bitterness is such a dark, deep and ugly place that you don't want to be in. I've been there and I pray that I never go back.
Don't ever stop praying. Pray for a child, pray for understanding, peace, wisdom, patience, joy; pray for God's will to be a priority in your life, not a baby; pray that you stay clear of turning having a baby into an idol; pray for your spouse; pray for those who seem to be able to conceive just from folding their husband's underwear; and pray for those around you who are tip-toeing around you
I could go on. There is so much more to say. But I better leave it at this for now. The lists are incomplete, but at least it's a start that may help us all be a hand and a foot to each other, to share in each other's burdens, whatever they may be.
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Do's and Don'ts of Dealing with Infertility - List One
This post will list a bunch of do's and don'ts for those who are not sure as to how to deal with someone close that is struggling with infertility. I'll also list do's and don'ts for the infertile couple, which will be on the next post.
It can be very awkward when you know someone is struggling with something and you don't know how to approach them, especially when it comes to infertility because this is a private and personal struggle. Yet, the funny thing is, the longer you are married, the more exposed and public your struggle becomes, especially among our church circles. It is usually the "normal" course of life to be married and after a year or two you start a family. When children don't follow after 3, 4 or 5 years of marriage, your private burden becomes glaringly obvious.
So what do we do? How do we support each other? How do we share our burdens and joys together? Does a couple with infertility even want support? Can someone who has been blessed with a large family have any right to approach someone who can't seem to have a child?
I don't have all the answers and everyone is different. I can only list what I know for myself and what has happened to us. You may disagree with some of it, depending on your personality. You may also add to it due to an experience. But here we go. First the list for those who have loved ones that are going through this burden:
Don't ask "who is it, you or your husband?" - seriously? Would it matter?? Besides, as a husband and wife, we are one. So that means we both aren't able to have children. The only time we would divulge this information is if someone was genuinely coming to us because they also are struggling with infertility.
Don't say "I'm sorry" after you ask about children and find out the answer that it's not happening. Pity is not what we want. Empathy, yes. Pity, no.
Do tell us when you are expecting. We like to know! The more you tip-toe around us, the more it'll hurt. Although it may make us cry, know that we are still happy for you. Just sad for us.
Don't share the story of your husband's cousin's wife's sister, who after 10 years, finally got pregnant.
Do pray for all those who are struggling with this, for Thy will be done, whether that means a child or not
Do talk about your children. We do like to hear about them. But be considerate by making sure that isn't all you talk about (now as a mother, I know how hard it is to make sure "kid talk" doesn't take over my life. But there is so much more to talk about :o)
Do know your audience when in a group. If you know there is a couple who is dealing with infertility, make sure the topics are not just about how your child learned to pee on the potty
Do ask about their interests. There have been times where I've been at a function with a bunch of women and not once did someone ask about how my work was going. If someone had asked about something in my life, it would have made listening to stories of their children a whole lot easier
Don't tell us to go on holidays, or to just relax. If everyone conceived when they were relaxed, I do believe the population on this earth would be much less
Don't ever, ever, say "but you have one already. Aren't you thankful?"
Do pray for the right words, so that you may know how to approach someone
Do send a "care" card, or a "thinking of you" one. It may be hard to read but I am pretty sure it'll be treasured. The ones I received sure were.
Don't complain about your children. It doesn't make us feel better. Most people have a few friends. It is a good thing as each friend can be used in different ways. If you need to offload about your struggles with your kids, use a different friend, one that can actually understand
Don't suggest adoption as a remedy. It may be this for some, but not for all. And don't add that once a couple adopts, they often conceive. Yeah. Not helpful.
Do understand the term "confidentiality".
Don't expect people to "just get over it". You don't just get over infertility. It follows you everywhere, even as you age. Infertility may be very tough for those in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. But guess what? It's tough in the 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond because now the loss of the dream of having grandchildren takes place
Do learn to listen. And to listen, that means to be silent. Did you know both 'listen' and 'silent' have the same letters, just in a different order?
Phew. What a list! And I know I haven't listed everything. I know once I post this, I'll think of something else to add. But so be it. It's a start anyway. Feel free to add! Tomorrow I will have a list for the couple with infertility.
It can be very awkward when you know someone is struggling with something and you don't know how to approach them, especially when it comes to infertility because this is a private and personal struggle. Yet, the funny thing is, the longer you are married, the more exposed and public your struggle becomes, especially among our church circles. It is usually the "normal" course of life to be married and after a year or two you start a family. When children don't follow after 3, 4 or 5 years of marriage, your private burden becomes glaringly obvious.
So what do we do? How do we support each other? How do we share our burdens and joys together? Does a couple with infertility even want support? Can someone who has been blessed with a large family have any right to approach someone who can't seem to have a child?
I don't have all the answers and everyone is different. I can only list what I know for myself and what has happened to us. You may disagree with some of it, depending on your personality. You may also add to it due to an experience. But here we go. First the list for those who have loved ones that are going through this burden:
Don't ask "who is it, you or your husband?" - seriously? Would it matter?? Besides, as a husband and wife, we are one. So that means we both aren't able to have children. The only time we would divulge this information is if someone was genuinely coming to us because they also are struggling with infertility.
Don't say "I'm sorry" after you ask about children and find out the answer that it's not happening. Pity is not what we want. Empathy, yes. Pity, no.
Do tell us when you are expecting. We like to know! The more you tip-toe around us, the more it'll hurt. Although it may make us cry, know that we are still happy for you. Just sad for us.
Don't share the story of your husband's cousin's wife's sister, who after 10 years, finally got pregnant.
Do pray for all those who are struggling with this, for Thy will be done, whether that means a child or not
Do talk about your children. We do like to hear about them. But be considerate by making sure that isn't all you talk about (now as a mother, I know how hard it is to make sure "kid talk" doesn't take over my life. But there is so much more to talk about :o)
Do know your audience when in a group. If you know there is a couple who is dealing with infertility, make sure the topics are not just about how your child learned to pee on the potty
Do ask about their interests. There have been times where I've been at a function with a bunch of women and not once did someone ask about how my work was going. If someone had asked about something in my life, it would have made listening to stories of their children a whole lot easier
Don't tell us to go on holidays, or to just relax. If everyone conceived when they were relaxed, I do believe the population on this earth would be much less
Don't ever, ever, say "but you have one already. Aren't you thankful?"
Do pray for the right words, so that you may know how to approach someone
Do send a "care" card, or a "thinking of you" one. It may be hard to read but I am pretty sure it'll be treasured. The ones I received sure were.
Don't complain about your children. It doesn't make us feel better. Most people have a few friends. It is a good thing as each friend can be used in different ways. If you need to offload about your struggles with your kids, use a different friend, one that can actually understand
Don't suggest adoption as a remedy. It may be this for some, but not for all. And don't add that once a couple adopts, they often conceive. Yeah. Not helpful.
Do understand the term "confidentiality".
Don't expect people to "just get over it". You don't just get over infertility. It follows you everywhere, even as you age. Infertility may be very tough for those in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. But guess what? It's tough in the 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond because now the loss of the dream of having grandchildren takes place
Do learn to listen. And to listen, that means to be silent. Did you know both 'listen' and 'silent' have the same letters, just in a different order?
Phew. What a list! And I know I haven't listed everything. I know once I post this, I'll think of something else to add. But so be it. It's a start anyway. Feel free to add! Tomorrow I will have a list for the couple with infertility.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
NIAW - Descriptions Expanded (Part 2)
Let's continue on and see how infertility can mean refinement.
While I wrestled with God, questioning His love for us from withholding such a special gift, He was refining me. When we questioned whether to adopt, or what to do with our lives, what He wanted from us, He was refining us. And I am sure you know as well as I do, the actual refining hurts. Big time. And while we were being refined, many times we thought we were alone, that God didn't care, that He was so far away. But it wasn't until we were refined could we see that He was there. The whole time!! And just when we got through, off we were, being refined again.
I read a quote that hit home for me. It goes like this:
"God doesn't protect us from what will perfect us."
And that is refinement. Going through things that will perfect us for Him, for His glory. But oh, is it ever hard to be filtered and cleansed! (And if I was a quick learner, maybe I wouldn't need so much refining still to this day!)
And once refined, your faith is renewed by the Holy Spirit. You see God in a new light, that He does love; that He cares for you and for me. You begin to see Him as Who He is, not Who you want Him to be. Through His Spirit, you may begin to see the bigger picture, that although He withholds particular gifts from us, He is concerned for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His own Son to save us from our sins. And does that not boost your faith? Knowing that He has given us a Gift more valuable than a baby? And with this Gift comes those wonderful promises of eternal life, where "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21: 4). Come, Lord Jesus, come!!!
One last term: new dreams. Yes, going through infertility means dashed hopes. But it also means new dreams!! And that can be anything......you just have to be looking with refined and faith-filled eyes. And these new dreams will be different from one another. It can be enjoying life as a family of two, pursuing dreams that you would never have the chance to pursue if you were raising a family. And it doesn't have to stop with one dream. No, it can be two, three or more! But the key is to be willing to see them as opporunities, to go after them rather than waiting for that positive pregnancy test.
And always, always, always pray: Thy will be done. If it is His will, may He bring about new dreams. Don't think like I did: fearful that if I moved on to new dreams, He will forget my old dream of having a child. No, thankfully He doesn't work like that. He's much bigger than that. What He does want from us is to recognize His will in our lives. And His will may be that you see the specialness of infertility; and/or that He is refining you to perfection; and/or that He is boosting your faith; and/or that He is leading you to new dreams.
While I wrestled with God, questioning His love for us from withholding such a special gift, He was refining me. When we questioned whether to adopt, or what to do with our lives, what He wanted from us, He was refining us. And I am sure you know as well as I do, the actual refining hurts. Big time. And while we were being refined, many times we thought we were alone, that God didn't care, that He was so far away. But it wasn't until we were refined could we see that He was there. The whole time!! And just when we got through, off we were, being refined again.
I read a quote that hit home for me. It goes like this:
"God doesn't protect us from what will perfect us."
And that is refinement. Going through things that will perfect us for Him, for His glory. But oh, is it ever hard to be filtered and cleansed! (And if I was a quick learner, maybe I wouldn't need so much refining still to this day!)
And once refined, your faith is renewed by the Holy Spirit. You see God in a new light, that He does love; that He cares for you and for me. You begin to see Him as Who He is, not Who you want Him to be. Through His Spirit, you may begin to see the bigger picture, that although He withholds particular gifts from us, He is concerned for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His own Son to save us from our sins. And does that not boost your faith? Knowing that He has given us a Gift more valuable than a baby? And with this Gift comes those wonderful promises of eternal life, where "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21: 4). Come, Lord Jesus, come!!!
One last term: new dreams. Yes, going through infertility means dashed hopes. But it also means new dreams!! And that can be anything......you just have to be looking with refined and faith-filled eyes. And these new dreams will be different from one another. It can be enjoying life as a family of two, pursuing dreams that you would never have the chance to pursue if you were raising a family. And it doesn't have to stop with one dream. No, it can be two, three or more! But the key is to be willing to see them as opporunities, to go after them rather than waiting for that positive pregnancy test.
And always, always, always pray: Thy will be done. If it is His will, may He bring about new dreams. Don't think like I did: fearful that if I moved on to new dreams, He will forget my old dream of having a child. No, thankfully He doesn't work like that. He's much bigger than that. What He does want from us is to recognize His will in our lives. And His will may be that you see the specialness of infertility; and/or that He is refining you to perfection; and/or that He is boosting your faith; and/or that He is leading you to new dreams.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
NIAW - Descriptions Expanded (Part 1)
So, the other day I listed a bunch of words that came to mind when I thought of infertility. I would like to touch upon a few of those words to explain what I mean. The words I'd like to focus on are the ones that made that list which may have surprised you: special, refining, faith-booster, new dreams.
I picked those ones because I think it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure out how infertility can be gut-wrenching, private, lonely, exposed, complicated, and filled with lots of dashed hopes. But how can infertility be special? Refining? And how can I say it not only is a faith-breaker, but a faith-booster?? And what is this about new dreams?
Infertility was a part of our relationship early on. Medically speaking, there was absolutely no way we would be able to conceive and have a child. Our infertility was explained (with an actual diagnosis and name), whereas for many, infertility is unexplained. I do believe there are pros and cons to either one. But I can only speak of ours.
For us, we did not have to try month after month. We did not have to see doctor after doctor. We didn't need to experience invasive procedures; we knew it would never happen. Having said that, that does not mean we undermine what God could do. We know God can do anything and that no obstacle would ever be too large for Him. However, He also gave us a brain. And we knew as a couple, we had to embrace this diagnosis and live with it; basically, deal with it instead of hope for a baby (biological, that is).
I would think that it is "easier" to deal with a for sure "no" than a "maybe". The "maybe" lends to hope, whereas the "no" means no. I work better with that. God knew that.
When we were content with knowing we would never have a biological child, we could see that having infertility was special. I know, a bizarre way of looking at it, eh? But it was!! It was special because God could use us in ways that others could not because they had children. We were able to help out a lot in the church, by being mentors to the young people; we were able to help out our friends (who all had little kids and at times were overwhelmed) by taking these little ones for a night or two while the parents could enjoy some time on their own. A very big way I saw infertility as special is the fact that I was able to teach for 10 years, showering love on children all day long......and then give them back at the end of the day :o). One last way we could see specialness in infertility was in our relationship. We did everything together. We were one in every sense of the word. Best friends. To experience that is special indeed.
However, just because it was a for sure no and many times we could enjoy the specialness of it, we still have gone through some very dark moments as a couple. There were times where the loss engulfed us, surrounded and swallowed us up, with no way out. Or so we thought. When you are in it, those tough times can be so encompassing. But when you slowly move your way out of it, that is when you are able to see things in a new light. Hindsight does that to anyone. And that is when refinement has taken place.
(to be continued.....)
I picked those ones because I think it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure out how infertility can be gut-wrenching, private, lonely, exposed, complicated, and filled with lots of dashed hopes. But how can infertility be special? Refining? And how can I say it not only is a faith-breaker, but a faith-booster?? And what is this about new dreams?
Infertility was a part of our relationship early on. Medically speaking, there was absolutely no way we would be able to conceive and have a child. Our infertility was explained (with an actual diagnosis and name), whereas for many, infertility is unexplained. I do believe there are pros and cons to either one. But I can only speak of ours.
For us, we did not have to try month after month. We did not have to see doctor after doctor. We didn't need to experience invasive procedures; we knew it would never happen. Having said that, that does not mean we undermine what God could do. We know God can do anything and that no obstacle would ever be too large for Him. However, He also gave us a brain. And we knew as a couple, we had to embrace this diagnosis and live with it; basically, deal with it instead of hope for a baby (biological, that is).
I would think that it is "easier" to deal with a for sure "no" than a "maybe". The "maybe" lends to hope, whereas the "no" means no. I work better with that. God knew that.
When we were content with knowing we would never have a biological child, we could see that having infertility was special. I know, a bizarre way of looking at it, eh? But it was!! It was special because God could use us in ways that others could not because they had children. We were able to help out a lot in the church, by being mentors to the young people; we were able to help out our friends (who all had little kids and at times were overwhelmed) by taking these little ones for a night or two while the parents could enjoy some time on their own. A very big way I saw infertility as special is the fact that I was able to teach for 10 years, showering love on children all day long......and then give them back at the end of the day :o). One last way we could see specialness in infertility was in our relationship. We did everything together. We were one in every sense of the word. Best friends. To experience that is special indeed.
However, just because it was a for sure no and many times we could enjoy the specialness of it, we still have gone through some very dark moments as a couple. There were times where the loss engulfed us, surrounded and swallowed us up, with no way out. Or so we thought. When you are in it, those tough times can be so encompassing. But when you slowly move your way out of it, that is when you are able to see things in a new light. Hindsight does that to anyone. And that is when refinement has taken place.
(to be continued.....)
Monday, April 22, 2013
National Infertility Week
Last week's events almost had me hang up my blog, with the reason being there is so much more in the world to focus and pray about than writing about what our little family is up to. I always fear that this blog will be superficial and trifling, and when I saw so much distress around me, I saw it as that.
And then this week started and it's
I realized that I am not quite done putting my thoughts down on "paper" about certain topics that I don't find trivial, especially ones that are close to my heart like adoption, marriage, God's relationship with me, my children and today, infertility.
When you think of infertility, what comes to mind? This obviously would depend if it's in your life or not, via you or someone you know. Maybe you never really thought of it. I never, ever did, until it entered my life. Anyone who knew me as a child knew I loved kids and my goal in life was to get married and have kids. Lots of them. At least 6. I never once thought that infertility would play such a major role in my married life. But it has and does.
Let's first look at a definition of:
Infertility
So as you can see, there are two kinds, primary and secondary infertility. We fall into that first group, primary. Pregnancy for us has never occurred.
While that definition above is true, I would add to that definition. When I think of infertility, the following words come to my mind:
And that's not it, but I figured it's enough for now. I am sure there are a number of words that you could add to this if infertility is in your life.
What I hope to do this week is take some time to write some posts, expanding on my description of infertility by explaining some of them. I would also like to touch upon how to deal with those who are struggling with it, how to support them.
It states in the Bible that we are to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12: 15). That means being a support to each other through all the ups and downs of life. I hope this week to touch upon how to do this in regards to dealing with infertility.
Like with the adoption series (Part One, Part Two, Part Three), if you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to leave a comment below or, due to the sensitivity of this topic, shoot me off an email. You can find my email address at the top Tab "Contact Me". If you would rather choose to remain anonymous, then leaving a comment would be better (where you can choose to leave it as "anonymous").
Education is huge in order to be able to support those whom God has placed in our lives.
And then this week started and it's
When you think of infertility, what comes to mind? This obviously would depend if it's in your life or not, via you or someone you know. Maybe you never really thought of it. I never, ever did, until it entered my life. Anyone who knew me as a child knew I loved kids and my goal in life was to get married and have kids. Lots of them. At least 6. I never once thought that infertility would play such a major role in my married life. But it has and does.
Let's first look at a definition of:
Infertility
Definition
Infertility is the failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year. In primary infertility, pregnancy has never occurred. In secondary infertility, one or both members of the couple have previously conceived, but are unable to conceive again after a full year of trying. (taken from here)
So as you can see, there are two kinds, primary and secondary infertility. We fall into that first group, primary. Pregnancy for us has never occurred.
While that definition above is true, I would add to that definition. When I think of infertility, the following words come to my mind:
gut-wrenching; hard; humbling; frustrating; private; vulnerable; lonely; bitter; angry; refining; not understood; personal; hush-hush; roller coaster; special; exposed; sensitive; painful; complicated; rare; significant; faith-breaker; faith-booster; tears; dashed hopes; new dreams; confidential
And that's not it, but I figured it's enough for now. I am sure there are a number of words that you could add to this if infertility is in your life.
What I hope to do this week is take some time to write some posts, expanding on my description of infertility by explaining some of them. I would also like to touch upon how to deal with those who are struggling with it, how to support them.
It states in the Bible that we are to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12: 15). That means being a support to each other through all the ups and downs of life. I hope this week to touch upon how to do this in regards to dealing with infertility.
Like with the adoption series (Part One, Part Two, Part Three), if you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to leave a comment below or, due to the sensitivity of this topic, shoot me off an email. You can find my email address at the top Tab "Contact Me". If you would rather choose to remain anonymous, then leaving a comment would be better (where you can choose to leave it as "anonymous").
Education is huge in order to be able to support those whom God has placed in our lives.
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