March Musings

We are in the middle of March Break right now. I know what you are thinking - "you don't have any kids in school, so how are you in the middle of March Break?!"

Well, when you've been a teacher for 10 years, you still get excited for all the breaks, whether that be in March, at Christmas or for the summer. In fact, although I haven't been teaching for 4 years, I still get an exhilaration rush in the beginning of September! What can I say, it is still in me.

 (yes, we still have that much snow in our backyard!)

 

As a teacher, I always looked forward to the breaks. I loved teaching, but I also loved having some time to do housework during daylight hours. Not that I did any, what, with always postponing it to the next day, only for the break to be done before I picked up a dust cloth!

And yet, these breaks were often painful. I would love my first day off, but then by the second, I would start getting restless. By the middle of the break, the topic of adoption would often come up as I became lonely, missing my students. Questions would plague our minds: Is it time to pursue? Is it for us? Are we both on the same page? Is it just because my heart feels empty? Is it wise to look into something when you are vulnerable?

Because truly, throughout the rest of the school year, adoption never really came up. I was content with all these 5 and 6 year olds around me, children that were the closest that came to being "mine" at that time.

 To help fill the void during the breaks, I would often have my "nieces/nephews" over, to spend some time with them and to give mom and dad a break. Or I would travel along with mom and dad to special outings, helping in any way I could. It was fun, and I always appreciated being included. I loved the interaction with these special little people in my life.

And yet, once the fun was had and it was time to go home, I would always leave these events. Alone. I would pass by the family I was with, driving by as I have already hopped very easily in my car. And with no one else but me to buckle in, I was even most likely arriving home before they had everyone fastened in their assigned seats, with snacks in hand and noses wiped.

While I always was so thankful to be included, it often left me with a pain in my heart, sometimes one not so sharp, and other times it would be a pain that felt like it was ripping my heart in shreds. Leaving in tears was not an uncommon conclusion.

Well, that brings me to today. Today was a gorgeous and beautiful day. Not because it was a sunny 14 degrees!!! That's right, 14 degrees CELCIUS!!! But today was a beautiful day, because this time I went to an event with not only my nephews, but also my own daughter and son.

And this time, at the end of enjoying a March Break activity, I was *not* able to just hop into the car quickly. That's because I had two of my own children to buckle in, hand out some snacks and wipe some noses.

I was *not* home by the time my sister and brother in law turned on their van. In fact, I was the last one to leave, because unlike them, I had to fold up a stroller (they are past that stage) and place in the back of the vehicle.

And I most certainly did *not* leave with a pain in my heart. While I may have shed a tear or two, they were completely different tears than years ago. Instead of my heart feeling like it was being ripped apart, it felt like it was ready to burst. With love. With gratitude.

It never ceases to amaze me that God has blessed us with two of His treasured blessings. We are always so thankful for the 11 years we had together as a family of two, and we will never cease to be thankful for the new dimension of having two more added to our family.

Tonight at supper, Keziah was asking me how much I loved her. After trying to explain to her how deep my love was for her, she was quick to respond:

"Mom, I love you so much too. And I will even love you when you are dead, even though you won't know it then.".

I almost choked on my supper! It was so hard not to laugh when she was so genuine.

And with that, the day ended and I was left with a full heart in the middle of March Break (a heart that also included a prayer that I will know my darling daughter loves me lots because, well, I am still alive!! :o)