Someone's 4!!

Another year is almost done but before we celebrate New Year's Eve, we always need to celebrate a birthday, or, birfday in his case :o)

My baby is 4. 4!!!! I naively thought that as he got older, things would be a little "slower" with him, meaning, I'll be able to stop running and have time to catch my breath as I wouldn't have to keep ahead of him all the time. Yeah. I can hear you laugh from here.

Many times when I express my "awe-ness" in his need to touch, run, jump everything to my friends, I am met with the same response: but Michelle! He is a boy!!

Yes, he certainly is every bit a boy - keeping me on my toes all day, every day. And you know what? I wouldn't change it for a minute. While I am so thankful he is put to bed at 7 and sound asleep a minute later every single night, I am also thankful for the amount of life and adventure he brings to our lives.

Whenever it's their birthdays, I always like to take them outside and get some candid shots of them. You never know what kind of weather you'll get in December, but this December has been unseasonably warm. That meant being able to take pictures without a coat and hat!

Here are a bunch of pictures of this monkey.....his personality certainly shines through many of them!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 (I said, "Fart" in the above picture.....he instantly cracked up. Such a boy :) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mischievous, I tell ya!! Just look at that glint in those eyes. But we thank God every day for this boy, and we pray God will continue to give us wisdom in raising him in the fear of His Name, as well as keep this boy safe and healthy another year.

We celebrated his birthday in the national's capitol in fine style, but more about that next time. As well as what we've all been up to these last few weeks.

Updating, Slowly but Surely

The home we live in is the home I grew up in. It sounds all nostalgic and everything, until you have to deal with carpet in the bathroom and sunflower border on green and white pin-strip wallpaper in the kitchen.

Don't get me wrong - I am not blaming my parents for their choices in decor. It was not their faults that they built a house in the 80s! Actually, despite the green tub, blue carpet and blinds that are bi-colour, the house is in pretty good shape. My kitchen cupboards are 30 years old and you would never know it. In fact, when we re-did the kitchen almost 7 years ago, people thought we replaced the cupboards as well because they looked so good. But we never touched them! It's amazing the different look they can have when you change the lighting from fluorescent to pot lights.

However, there have been many things that needed changing and so we try to tackle one room a year. This fall, we hired our trusty contractors from Ridgeline Renovations and gave them our main bathroom to reno. It's a long bathroom - with lots of room.

Here are some before and afters:

Gone is the green tub and in comes a beautiful white tub.......so white it actually makes Lincoln looked tanned in it!! :o)

We are enjoying our new bathroom. And I can't believe I am saying this, but I actually don't mind cleaning a bathroom now! We are thankful to Ridgeline Renovations once again for their work. If you live in our area, we highly recommend them!

Our next reno will be the kids' bedrooms. I am pretty sure Lincoln is going to mind the bright peach that is coming through all the paint layers that were trying to hide that colour in his bedroom sooner than later. But that'll be next year. Till then, he'll have some time to see how much paint he can scratch off.

Alimentation , Relaxation , et Plus de Nourriture

Well, after a few blog posts on the heavier side, it is high time for a lighter post. So I thought I'd give you a History, Geography and French lesson, using Old Montreal.

Huh?! Not light enough for you?? But I bet you are wondering why I would choose Old Montreal.....am I right?! :o)

About a month ago, Nathan and I were able to skip out of town for three days. Nathan has a consulting business on the side, and one of his clients lives in Montreal. He usually flies there by 8 in the morning and is home again with us just in time to tuck the kids into bed that night.

This time however, we thought we'd take advantage of the fact that he had to go to Montreal by extending it from 1 day to 3 and with me tagging along. Although it was not a long getaway, it was perfect enough - just long enough to relax, do some sight-seeing, enjoying our time together, and before we miss our kids too much, we were picking them up from friends.

Before it was 9 o'clock the morning we left, we were already trying out our Gr. 9 French by reading the signs all around us. It certainly didn't get us anywhere! Thankfully there are just as many English signs as French signs.

After popping in to say hi to his clients, we left and explored a few touristy things like this place:

 

We climbed the many steps, paid our dues (for a map of the place) and were struck with sadness for how idolized Roman Catholicism is with all their saints, candles, rosaries, etc. While we admire their dedication to the religion, we can't help but want to shake them and say, "But guess what?! You don't *have* to do any of this 'cause you can't earn your way into heaven!!!  We have a Saviour that has done it all for us!! We just need to live our lives out of thankfulness for the gift of salvation, and live for God alone, not for this saint or that saint."

In the meantime though, we walked through the many halls in somber silence, looking for the one thing Nathan wanted to go to this place for: the organ. We found it - well, the pipes anyway. We were not allowed to go up to where the organ was.....(not this one - more about that later). This thing was H.U.G.E. Oh, to hear people sing in this place......

 

We then left and found a look out over Montreal

 

We headed to the main hustle and bustle areas, taking in all the sights, sounds, and foods. I may or may not have eaten all of that....it was very thin, people!! Like paper-thin! (and yummy, I might add!)

While we strolled the busy streets, we came across another church. Nathan was still on an organ-hunt as he didn't get to see the one in the oratory. So in he walked, where he not only got to see another huge organ, he actually got to *play* it!!

 

4 hours later, I finally was able to pull him away from it. Ha - just kidding, it was 3.5 hours. Ah, who am I kidding - he played it long enough to make sure there wasn't a speck of dust in a single pipe once he was done :o) We went to find our hotel, which was right downtown in Old Montreal.

Have you ever been to Old Montreal?! Wow - what a gorgeous part of the city. The cobblestones. The buildings. The narrow streets. The atmosphere. If you can, go. It is just all so amazing.

We walked the streets in the evening, taking it all in. We found a quaint little restaurant for supper, 'cause you know, I hadn't had much for lunch. Ahem. I enjoyed some salmon and Nathan had bison and deer

 

The next day, Nathan had to be with his clients all day. That left me with many hours on my own. What to do? WHAT TO DO?!?!

Well, a bath was in order, then reading my book, then snoozing, then a massage, then back to the room for more snoozing, some more reading, and some TV watching - channels other than Treehouse and Giselle's Big Backyard :o)

Finally around 2 pm I strolled outside, hungry and wanting to take in the sights

 

My lunch - yummy quiche and oh-yeah-that's-right-I-still-don't-like-French-Onion Soup.

And seeing that I was so busy reading, bathing, and relaxing that day, I figured I earned dessert. Don't look at it too long - the calories will make their way through the screen to you!! (and once again, I may or may not have eaten it all......what?! Doing nothing all day makes one starving!!)

Nathan got back just in time to take me out to dinner with his clients, to a restaurant that was a horse stable 100s of years ago. Not only was the food the best (yes, I came back from this getaway needing to wear stretchy pants....), the architecture of this place was amazing!!

 

 

The next day, we relaxed in the morning and then headed back home in time to pick up the kids before the day was done. Like I say, it wasn't long, but it was long enough. We had such a great time together, treasuring every moment. Not only does our marriage benefit from this, so do our kids!! They have connected parents! If you are married, I know going away is not always possible, but then make sure to have time for each other at home. While it is so important, it is often forgotten as life gets busy. But don't let it - do what you need to do to keep that marriage going, and with a spark!

I am so thankful to God for allowing us the opportunity to spend a few days together. It's such a blessing to be best friends!!

Adoption Bliss, No? Part 3 (last one!)

Finally, we have come to the last part of Adoption Bliss, No?

So I have written about what caused the adoption blues for me and how it affected me. Please note that everyone's blues can be caused by different things, and everyone's reactions to those reasons are also vastly different from one person to the next.

I think the key is to really know it can happen to you and to not deny it - even when you are being educated about it. You see, it shouldn't have slammed me over the head like a wet salmon. We were told it was a normal part of adoption. In all the courses we had to take, Adoption Blues was mentioned - that it was a very real concept and to be prepared for it. So why didn't I recognize it and much less acknowledge it when I had an inkling that's what I was dealing with?!

Because when they were talking about it in those courses, I tuned them out. That's right. I let those words go in one ear and out the other. I didn't need to worry about adoption blues - are you kidding me? I LOVE babies!! And I have loved babies since I was a baby! Babies were magnets for me for as long as I could remember. I dreamed about having babies. My dolls were very real to me (just ask my older sister.....). You had a crying fussy baby? Give him to me. Guaranteed that baby would be sleeping calmly in my arms within 5 minutes from you giving me your baby.  I lived and breathed babies, especially when I was a teenager and in my early to mid 20s.

And now someone is going to say I need to be aware of adoption blues?! Humph. Not on your life!!

So I think this was my first introduction to Humble Pie. I have yet to put that fork away 6 years later.....it's a pie that keeps on giving! :o) But that's a whole other blog post.....

So yes, know that Adoption Blues can hit you no matter how much you love your baby.

Now, how can you cope? Any tricks out there that can get you through? To be honest, everyone is different when it comes to this. For me, just admitting it helped immensely. I had (and still have) such a supportive husband, one who guided me through all those months, who encouraged me, who was there continually to pick me back up. He is the one that made me read a check list for Adoption Blues, not to point it all out to me in a negative way, but to help me to see what I was struggling with.

But really, when I was in the deepness of it, just trying to follow through with a method or trick was just too much. Looking back, it's easy to say, "Now, why didn't I do that to help?" or "Why didn't I ask for help?" or "Why wasn't I just honest with others??", but when you are *in* it, your thoughts are not always thinking straight.

So if you can recognize it before you go too deep, that is such a blessing. Pray, pray, pray, and use the people in your life God has given you. Know yourself and get to know what works for you i.e. walks, talking with others, helping others, reading, baking, finding a hobby, whatever. Only you know yourself the best.

Now that leaves some of you - the ones who are the people who are in the lives of those who have adopted. What can you do?

First off, doing what you are doing right now is already beneficial. You are learning about it by reading this.  Read up on the signs/symptoms so you may be able to recognize them. By educating yourself, you are now more aware of this happening, knowing it can happen to anyone who has adopted.

Secondly, ask the right questions and learn to hear the answers. We all lie - we have all said we are fine when we are not. When you ask someone who has received a baby/child through adoption, be sincere in your question of "How is it going? Like, how is it really going?". And then listen. Listen well. Did you know 'listen' and 'silent' have the same letters, just in a different order? So in order to listen, we need to be silent. This is hard to do!! We usually are working on a response while we listen, but then our minds aren't being silent, are they?

Read the body language, as well as the eyes. Those things can be so much louder than the verbal, "Oh, things are going great!". (actually, all of this could be applied to all conversations, not just when dealing with adoption).

And if someone does confide in you that things are a bit tough, it's been a huge adjustment etc. please, please, PLEASE do not say, "Yeah, I am sure things are tough, but hey, be thankful!!! You have now what you have prayed for! Enjoy every minute 'cause it goes so fast!" No, no, no, no, no. Someone who is confiding in you *is* a thankful person! We most certainly realize the gift we've been given - why do you think we feel so guilty about having a hard time?!

The one statement that makes me cringe the most is "This too shall pass." I know, I KNOW this too shall pass, but right now?! This tough moment is NOT passing soon enough!!!!!

But that's just me......obviously others handle that statement much better than I do, or else it wouldn't be so common.

I also encourage all, adoptive parents and those who know adoptive parents well, to read the two links. There is so much out there about this topic, but I chose just these two links.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-shock-dealing-with-post-adoption-depression_1374199.bc

http://adoption.com/post-adoption-depression

Together we can do our best to help those around us. That is what we are called to do as God's people - to pray for each other and carry each other's burdens.

I praise God for watching over me that first year. I thank Him for giving me what I need today so I don't look back too often to that first year with regret and shame. I am thankful for the people He has placed in my life.

I am so humbled and thankful for the two blessings, Keziah and Lincoln, that God has given me. I do not deserve them, yet out of His graciousness, He has allowed me to be their mother. May He continue to bless me in this task. I love them fiercely and sometimes I am still in disbelief that they are ours. They are such treasures from our Heavenly Father, treasures that I get to enjoy each and every day. Thank you, God!!!

And thank YOU for reading all of this. I promise my next post shall be of a much lighter nature!

Adoption Bliss, No? Part 2

Wow. If I had known the response to Adoption Bliss, No?, I wouldn't have gone to bed that night with sweaty palms and a pit in my stomach. And I would have actually slept a bit better!! Writing about it is one thing. But then putting it "out there" is something else. And so I was extremely nervous to show vulnerability.....no one likes to show this. The only motivation for one to do so is to hopefully help others, to let others know that they are not alone.

And so by all your comments (private or not) via Facebook, here, and face to face, it has encouraged me to keep going, and complete Part 2.

So where were we? Oh yeah, you have brought home your baby/child.....your long awaited, prayed for baby/child. It is most certainly a joyous event, no doubt about it. It's a liken to living on Cloud 9......it is all bliss, new and amazing. People express their happiness, and you yourselves can't stop your faces from smiling. Truly smiling. You are reveling in God's graciousness, so humbled and thankful for this gift from Him.

And then, it hits you. Wham-o. You have fallen from Cloud 9 and it's like free-falling.....slowly at first, then picks up speed till you just can't see, think, or even breathe at times. For some it can hit just after a few weeks, others not till a few months later, and for some not till almost a year later! And even for some others, Adoption Blues doesn't hit at all. For some, the blues are a few weeks, others a few months and for still others a few years.

But I can't speak about others; I can only speak for myself, yet maybe you can relate to some of this. In fact, when I posted Part One, many did comment, saying that what I described was not a whole lot different than Postpartum Depression. This is true in many ways, yet a little different in others.

The first difference is the pressure to enjoy every single moment of your new child. I mean, don't you remember how many papers you filled out for this?! How many police checks, fingerprint checks, courses etc. you had to take and do to get to this point? Don't you remember the tears shed as The Wait was so incredibly hard?? Don't you remember the amount of sobbing that was done while you saw "everyone else" receive a baby and not you?! So of course, you better enjoy every single moment, even if lots of those moments are in the middle of the night, pacing back and forth with a baby crying and crying and crying, even though s/he is fed, cleaned and exhausted. C'mon! What's wrong with you??!

So there's the pressure. Pressure that only I put on myself. No one else.

The other difference between Postpartum Depression and Adoption Blues (for me anyway) was I kept denying I had PAB due to the fact that I didn't give birth, so how could I have The Blues? I thought PPD was because a woman's hormones was all over the place due to having a baby. Her body is a mess - emotionally, physically and mentally! I didn't experience giving birth to my baby, so how in the world could I be blue?!

So then, what does Post Adoption Blues feel like? What causes it? How do you cope?

Again, I can only answer using my experiences. I will touch upon 4 reasons why PAD caught me and stayed with me for a number of months:

1. For me, I felt like I had no idea who I was now. At 31 years of age, I went through an Identity Crisis. I was a teacher for 10 years! and now no more. I would go out and people would ask me what I did for work, and I answered "I am a teacher." I did this for a few years after Keziah was born! It took me a long time to realize and acknowledge that my identity as a teacher was no longer mine. I was no longer a teacher - I was now a stay at home mom! Exciting, huh?! :o) Even when I admitted that I was no longer a teacher, I still answered the question, "Well, I stay at home now, but I was a teacher for many years.". See?! Identity crisis. Result? Adoption Blues.

2. Another cause for me was the struggle of structure, or the lack thereof with a baby - I am a very structured person, and here I now had no idea what each day would bring: she napped 3 hours yesterday morning, why is she only sleeping 20 minutes this morning?! She drank 4 ounces, 6 times yesterday, why is she only drinking 3 ounces 4 times today?! And so on. Not knowing what my day would be like was incredibly hard for me. "Rolling with it" is just not the style that would describe me, and so waking up every day, having no idea what kind of day it would be was almost too much to bear. Result? Adoption Blues.

3. The guilt. Oh, the guilt!!! I had absolutely no idea that when you become a parent, you automatically become guilty. Because I had no idea what I was doing, guilt was smothering me.

• I felt guilty for letting her cry. I felt guilty for picking her up as soon as she made a peep.
• I felt guilty for feeding her too much. I felt guilty for not knowing whether I fed her enough.
• I felt guilty if she fell asleep while I was gallivanting when she should have been in her bed. I felt guilt for having her nap in her bed, as then she might not be able to fall asleep anywhere.
• I felt guilty when I played with her, for then she won't know how to play by herself. I felt guilty when I left her alone on her playmat, for then I am not spending time with her.

Guilt, Guilt. GUILT!!!!! Everywhere!! (and I know this is common for most parents, adoptive or not). For me, it poured on me and stuck like molasses. And it affected my every movement and thought, which made me feel even more inadequate in this mothering thing. Result? Adoption Blues.

4. Lastly, yet one that also had a massive affect on me: the loneliness. Oh, how I was *so* incredibly lonely. I am an extrovert, so to go more than a day without talking to others is very hard on me. Even when I was a teacher, I loved having a snow day. But two snow days in a row?! Oh no. That I did not enjoy at all....too much time by myself. But then you ask, didn't you have a baby? How could you be lonely?! Yes, I had a baby. A baby that slept, and slept and slept! My firstborn slept many a days away, sleeping often 6 or more hours a day well until she was one. She slept so much!! While I did go out with her, she slept best in her bed. And so that is what I did - made sure she got her naps in her bed. Which left me at home a lot. That loneliness was often all-engulfing. So why didn't I call others, or invite my friends over to help ease the loneliness?! Well, pulling away from others was another sign of Adoption Blues. It just was "easier" to mope around, being lonely, than to call or invite others over, 'cause I'll only find out that everyone else is busy anyway, right?!  Not. But I wasn't willing to chance it. Hard to explain.

One reason in itself wasn't too terrible, but having all 4 reasons (plus more) compiling together? Dealing with all 4 - Identity Crisis, Unstructured Days, Guilt and Loneliness - all led to me dealing with Adoption Blues. That means I cried. A LOT!!! And when I wasn't crying, I was too busy trying to breathe. My chest was constantly tight. I couldn't take deep breaths. It was so exhausting having a constricted chest, which stayed with me for months. It always felt like a huge weight was put on my chest and I just couldn't get it off.

So what to do?! Well, I would go on, but this is already getting long! Are you even still with me?! What I thought would be a one blog post has now turned into two.....but I do believe two won't do it either. So Part 3 will be next, where I will write about How to Cope, How to Help Others, and I will post some links for more information. Stay tuned!!