Adoption Bliss, No? Part 2

Wow. If I had known the response to Adoption Bliss, No?, I wouldn't have gone to bed that night with sweaty palms and a pit in my stomach. And I would have actually slept a bit better!! Writing about it is one thing. But then putting it "out there" is something else. And so I was extremely nervous to show vulnerability.....no one likes to show this. The only motivation for one to do so is to hopefully help others, to let others know that they are not alone.

And so by all your comments (private or not) via Facebook, here, and face to face, it has encouraged me to keep going, and complete Part 2.

So where were we? Oh yeah, you have brought home your baby/child.....your long awaited, prayed for baby/child. It is most certainly a joyous event, no doubt about it. It's a liken to living on Cloud 9......it is all bliss, new and amazing. People express their happiness, and you yourselves can't stop your faces from smiling. Truly smiling. You are reveling in God's graciousness, so humbled and thankful for this gift from Him.

And then, it hits you. Wham-o. You have fallen from Cloud 9 and it's like free-falling.....slowly at first, then picks up speed till you just can't see, think, or even breathe at times. For some it can hit just after a few weeks, others not till a few months later, and for some not till almost a year later! And even for some others, Adoption Blues doesn't hit at all. For some, the blues are a few weeks, others a few months and for still others a few years.

But I can't speak about others; I can only speak for myself, yet maybe you can relate to some of this. In fact, when I posted Part One, many did comment, saying that what I described was not a whole lot different than Postpartum Depression. This is true in many ways, yet a little different in others.

The first difference is the pressure to enjoy every single moment of your new child. I mean, don't you remember how many papers you filled out for this?! How many police checks, fingerprint checks, courses etc. you had to take and do to get to this point? Don't you remember the tears shed as The Wait was so incredibly hard?? Don't you remember the amount of sobbing that was done while you saw "everyone else" receive a baby and not you?! So of course, you better enjoy every single moment, even if lots of those moments are in the middle of the night, pacing back and forth with a baby crying and crying and crying, even though s/he is fed, cleaned and exhausted. C'mon! What's wrong with you??!

So there's the pressure. Pressure that only I put on myself. No one else.

The other difference between Postpartum Depression and Adoption Blues (for me anyway) was I kept denying I had PAB due to the fact that I didn't give birth, so how could I have The Blues? I thought PPD was because a woman's hormones was all over the place due to having a baby. Her body is a mess - emotionally, physically and mentally! I didn't experience giving birth to my baby, so how in the world could I be blue?!

So then, what does Post Adoption Blues feel like? What causes it? How do you cope?

Again, I can only answer using my experiences. I will touch upon 4 reasons why PAD caught me and stayed with me for a number of months:

1. For me, I felt like I had no idea who I was now. At 31 years of age, I went through an Identity Crisis. I was a teacher for 10 years! and now no more. I would go out and people would ask me what I did for work, and I answered "I am a teacher." I did this for a few years after Keziah was born! It took me a long time to realize and acknowledge that my identity as a teacher was no longer mine. I was no longer a teacher - I was now a stay at home mom! Exciting, huh?! :o) Even when I admitted that I was no longer a teacher, I still answered the question, "Well, I stay at home now, but I was a teacher for many years.". See?! Identity crisis. Result? Adoption Blues.

2. Another cause for me was the struggle of structure, or the lack thereof with a baby - I am a very structured person, and here I now had no idea what each day would bring: she napped 3 hours yesterday morning, why is she only sleeping 20 minutes this morning?! She drank 4 ounces, 6 times yesterday, why is she only drinking 3 ounces 4 times today?! And so on. Not knowing what my day would be like was incredibly hard for me. "Rolling with it" is just not the style that would describe me, and so waking up every day, having no idea what kind of day it would be was almost too much to bear. Result? Adoption Blues.

3. The guilt. Oh, the guilt!!! I had absolutely no idea that when you become a parent, you automatically become guilty. Because I had no idea what I was doing, guilt was smothering me.

• I felt guilty for letting her cry. I felt guilty for picking her up as soon as she made a peep.
• I felt guilty for feeding her too much. I felt guilty for not knowing whether I fed her enough.
• I felt guilty if she fell asleep while I was gallivanting when she should have been in her bed. I felt guilt for having her nap in her bed, as then she might not be able to fall asleep anywhere.
• I felt guilty when I played with her, for then she won't know how to play by herself. I felt guilty when I left her alone on her playmat, for then I am not spending time with her.

Guilt, Guilt. GUILT!!!!! Everywhere!! (and I know this is common for most parents, adoptive or not). For me, it poured on me and stuck like molasses. And it affected my every movement and thought, which made me feel even more inadequate in this mothering thing. Result? Adoption Blues.

4. Lastly, yet one that also had a massive affect on me: the loneliness. Oh, how I was *so* incredibly lonely. I am an extrovert, so to go more than a day without talking to others is very hard on me. Even when I was a teacher, I loved having a snow day. But two snow days in a row?! Oh no. That I did not enjoy at all....too much time by myself. But then you ask, didn't you have a baby? How could you be lonely?! Yes, I had a baby. A baby that slept, and slept and slept! My firstborn slept many a days away, sleeping often 6 or more hours a day well until she was one. She slept so much!! While I did go out with her, she slept best in her bed. And so that is what I did - made sure she got her naps in her bed. Which left me at home a lot. That loneliness was often all-engulfing. So why didn't I call others, or invite my friends over to help ease the loneliness?! Well, pulling away from others was another sign of Adoption Blues. It just was "easier" to mope around, being lonely, than to call or invite others over, 'cause I'll only find out that everyone else is busy anyway, right?!  Not. But I wasn't willing to chance it. Hard to explain.

One reason in itself wasn't too terrible, but having all 4 reasons (plus more) compiling together? Dealing with all 4 - Identity Crisis, Unstructured Days, Guilt and Loneliness - all led to me dealing with Adoption Blues. That means I cried. A LOT!!! And when I wasn't crying, I was too busy trying to breathe. My chest was constantly tight. I couldn't take deep breaths. It was so exhausting having a constricted chest, which stayed with me for months. It always felt like a huge weight was put on my chest and I just couldn't get it off.

So what to do?! Well, I would go on, but this is already getting long! Are you even still with me?! What I thought would be a one blog post has now turned into two.....but I do believe two won't do it either. So Part 3 will be next, where I will write about How to Cope, How to Help Others, and I will post some links for more information. Stay tuned!!