April's Learnings

Well, this month proved to be quite the month in the news. Between the bombings, blow up in Texas and the terrible building collapse in Bangledash (as well as all the other depressing events that are happening around the world), it was definitely a month to remember.

In a much different focus, we also covered the difficult topic of infertility. I do believe that now it is time to show a lighter side of the month before we get too weighed down.

I didn't think we learned a whole lot this month, but by the time I was done going through my pictures, I had quite a bit. I am sure you don't mind, especially seeing the last number of posts have been void of them. So here we go:

Someone is learning to play this wonderful instrument, in the hopes to take over his daddy's job on Sundays:



Unfortunately, he is having a hard time learning that when daddy needs to practice for Sunday, he's not allowed in there:

Keziah loves the smell of Strawberry Shortcake (I may or may not as well....). She learned a way so that she would be able to always smell it, by pinning on one of the nice smelling clothes to her nose:

I knew Lincoln loved food, but this was a first. I learned that he (and Kez) both love deer meat!

I learned that with a boy, a haircut is necessary more often than a girl.

Keziah is learning to be quite the little mother. She wakes her baby up every morning and feeds her:

Lincoln is learning to pull his weight around here in chores....this time the weight is his diapers that belong in the garage:

I have learned that if I can't find Lincoln, 9 times out of 10 I will find him here, in the bath tub (better that than the toilet!!)

I am also learning that making supper the last few years with one child was actually quite easy. Now that there are two eager beavers, supper preperation now starts at 3:30 instead of 4.

I learned the hard way that a child who sneezes with a mouth full of oatmeal, will end up with an empty mouth....with the oatmeal all over the one who's feeding him. The picture doesn't capture it all, but it was everywhere: in my hair, on my face, all on my sweater and pants. Lovely.

Ho hum, another lesson for me. Although it said April 20th on the calendar, this does not mean we won't wake up to snow:

But thankfully it didn't last long and there have been some  nice sunny days in this month! Which was perfect for this little girl to learn how to ride a scooter....

....and a regular bike with training wheels. No more tricycles for this one!

We did have some down days, as both Keziah and Lincoln had the flu. Lincoln had it worse, where he couldn't keep anything in for awhile. Keziah thankfully was able to keep things down, except for her fever. So for about 5 days I think between the two of them they had a banana, 3 crackers, and some applesauce. Lots of cuddling happening in those days! Poor Lincoln....I learned it does not take much for him to look sickly:

And poor Keziah, who could not get enough snuggles. I learned that I also could not get enough, either!

And I learned how relieving it is to see your children eating again!

But I do think one of the funniest things learned this month was that Lincoln can now do a thumbs up. Every time he hears the words "Good job!!!", up goes his thumb. It looks hilarious!!! It sure provided lots of laughter in this home!

There you have it.....a post full of "learning" pictures for the month of April. We are thankful for another month that could be enjoyed. We are looking forward to May, as the weather turns warmer, praying for God's safety and guidance. May will also be a month of returned nervousness and anxiety for us as we head back to Sick Kids with Keziah, to plan out the next steps in removal. But I will write about all this on her blog, which you can find at the top of this blog, under that tab called "Keziah's Journey".

The Do's and Don'ts - List 2

Now, a list for those of us who carry this burden. Again, remember that I can only speak for ourselves. Some of my "do's" may be someone's "don'ts" and vice versa. And at certain times, what I have listed as a do is something I shied away from. But in the end it only hurt myself and those that actually were trying to care.

Do know that most people are genuine and mean well in their comments. It sure can come out in funny ways and can come across as insensitive, but naturally we sometimes feel we have to say something, even if it's shallow or without much thought. I've done it plenty of times to others who are struggling with other burdens.

Do be honest if someone asks. I don't mean that you need to share all the details, but if someone asks about when you hope to start a family or if you have any kids, a simple answer of "The Lord has not blessed us with any as of yet." will help to put it into perspective as to Who is in control of our lives

Do know that others are going to be pregnant and have children. Be happy for them. I know, this can be hard sometimes.

Do know that moms are allowed to talk about their children. That is their work!! I always tried to remember that, if I was in a group of teachers, I would talk and share because that was my work. Well, the same goes with mothers.

Don't close yourself off from others. Again, easier said than done. In my most bitter times, the last thing I wanted was people to approach me. And people knew not to come near me because of my body language. If you know me, you will know that my body language is often much louder than my verbal (and I'm even a talker...so you can imagine how loud my body language can be!! :o)

Do know that if you don't want to be approached, you won't be. But then you can't complain that no one asks or seems to care

Do surround yourself with people you can confide in.

Do give people more credit. While they may not understand the burden of infertility, most people have dealt with a loss, sorrow and dark days/weeks/months. Most everyone is carrying a burden (or two or three....) so they may offer more than you think to help you through these valleys

Do cry. It's healthy.

Do pray that bitterness doesn't replace your sadness. Bitterness is such a dark, deep and ugly place that you don't want to be in. I've been there and I pray that I never go back.

Don't ever stop praying. Pray for a child, pray for understanding, peace, wisdom, patience, joy; pray for God's will to be a priority in your life, not a baby; pray that you stay clear of turning having a baby into an idol; pray for your spouse; pray for those who seem to be able to conceive just from folding their husband's underwear; and pray for those around you who are tip-toeing around you

I could go on. There is so much more to say. But I better leave it at this for now. The lists are incomplete, but at least it's a start that may help us all be a hand and a foot to each other, to share in each other's burdens, whatever they may be.

The Do's and Don'ts of Dealing with Infertility - List One

This post will list a bunch of do's and don'ts for those who are not sure as to how to deal with someone close that is struggling with infertility. I'll also list do's and don'ts for the infertile couple, which will be on the next post.

It can be very awkward when you know someone is struggling with something and you don't know how to approach them, especially when it comes to infertility because this is a private and personal struggle. Yet, the funny thing is, the longer you are married, the more exposed and public your struggle becomes, especially among our church circles. It is usually the "normal" course of life to be married and after a year or two you start a family. When children don't follow after 3, 4 or 5 years of marriage, your private burden becomes glaringly obvious.

So what do we do? How do we support each other? How do we share our burdens and joys together? Does a couple with infertility even want support? Can someone who has been blessed with a large family have any right to approach someone who can't seem to have a child?

I don't have all the answers and everyone is different. I can only list what I know for myself and what has happened to us. You may disagree with some of it, depending on your personality. You may also add to it due to an experience. But here we go. First the list for those who have loved ones that are going through this burden:

Don't ask "who is it, you or your husband?" - seriously? Would it matter?? Besides, as a husband and wife, we are one. So that means we both aren't able to have children. The only time we would divulge this information is if someone was genuinely coming to us because they also are struggling with infertility.

Don't say "I'm sorry" after you ask about children and find out the answer that it's not happening. Pity is not what we want. Empathy, yes. Pity, no.

Do tell us when you are expecting. We like to know! The more you tip-toe around us, the more it'll hurt. Although it may make us cry, know that we are still happy for you. Just sad for us.

Don't share the story of your husband's cousin's wife's sister, who after 10 years, finally got pregnant.

Do pray for all those who are struggling with this, for Thy will be done, whether that means a child or not

Do talk about your children. We do like to hear about them. But be considerate by making sure that isn't all you talk about (now as a mother, I know how hard it is to make sure "kid talk" doesn't take over my life. But there is so much more to talk about :o)

Do know your audience when in a group. If you know there is a couple who is dealing with infertility, make sure the topics are not just about how your child learned to pee on the potty

Do ask about their interests. There have been times where I've been at a function with a bunch of women and not once did someone ask about how my work was going. If someone had asked about something in my life, it would have made listening to stories of their children a whole lot easier

Don't tell us to go on holidays, or to just relax. If everyone conceived when they were relaxed, I do believe the population on this earth would be much less

Don't ever, ever, say "but you have one already. Aren't you thankful?"

Do pray for the right words, so that you may know how to approach someone

Do send a "care" card, or a "thinking of you" one. It may be hard to read but I am pretty sure it'll be treasured. The ones I received sure were.

Don't complain about your children. It doesn't make us feel better. Most people have a few friends. It is a good thing as each friend can be used in different ways. If you need to offload about your struggles with your kids, use a different friend, one that can actually understand

Don't suggest adoption as a remedy. It may be this for some, but not for all. And don't add that once a couple adopts, they often conceive. Yeah. Not helpful.

Do understand the term "confidentiality".

Don't expect people to "just get over it". You don't just get over infertility. It follows you everywhere, even as you age. Infertility may be very tough for those in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. But guess what? It's tough in the 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond because now the loss of the dream of having grandchildren takes place

Do learn to listen. And to listen, that means to be silent. Did you know both 'listen' and 'silent' have the same letters, just in a different order?


Phew. What a list! And I know I haven't listed everything. I know once I post this, I'll think of something else to add. But so be it. It's a start anyway. Feel free to add! Tomorrow I will have a list for the couple with infertility.

NIAW - Descriptions Expanded (Part 2)

Let's continue on and see how infertility can mean refinement.

While I wrestled with God, questioning His love for us from withholding such a special gift, He was refining me. When we questioned whether to adopt, or what to do with our lives, what He wanted from us, He was refining us. And I am sure you know as well as I do, the actual refining hurts. Big time. And while we were being refined, many times we thought we were alone, that God didn't care, that He was so far away. But it wasn't until we were refined could we see that He was there. The whole time!! And just when we got through, off we were, being refined again.

I read a quote that hit home for me. It goes like this:
"God doesn't protect us from what will perfect us."

And that is refinement. Going through things that will perfect us for Him, for His glory. But oh, is it ever hard to be filtered and cleansed! (And if I was a quick learner, maybe I wouldn't need so much refining still to this day!)

And once refined, your faith is renewed by the Holy Spirit. You see God in a new light, that He does love; that He cares for you and for me. You begin to see Him as Who He is, not Who you want Him to be. Through His Spirit, you may begin to see the bigger picture, that although He withholds particular gifts from us, He is concerned for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His own Son to save us from our sins. And does that not boost your faith? Knowing that He has given us a Gift more valuable than a baby? And with this Gift comes those wonderful promises of eternal life, where "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21: 4). Come, Lord Jesus, come!!!

One last term: new dreams. Yes, going through infertility means dashed hopes. But it also means new dreams!! And that can be anything......you just have to be looking with refined and faith-filled eyes. And these new dreams will be different from one another. It can be enjoying life as a family of two, pursuing dreams that you would never have the chance to pursue if you were raising a family. And it doesn't have to stop with one dream. No, it can be two, three or more! But the key is to be willing to see them as opporunities, to go after them rather than waiting for that positive pregnancy test.

And always, always, always pray: Thy will be done. If it is His will, may He bring about new dreams. Don't think like I did: fearful that if I moved on to new dreams, He will forget my old dream of having a child. No, thankfully He doesn't work like that. He's much bigger than that. What He does want from us is to recognize His will in our lives. And His will may be that you see the specialness of infertility; and/or that He is refining you to perfection; and/or that He is boosting your faith; and/or that He is leading you to new dreams.

NIAW - Descriptions Expanded (Part 1)

So, the other day I listed a bunch of words that came to mind when I thought of infertility. I would like to touch upon a few of those words to explain what I mean. The words I'd like to focus on are the ones that made that list which may have surprised you:  special, refining,  faith-booster, new dreams.

I picked those ones because I think it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure out how infertility can be gut-wrenching, private, lonely, exposed, complicated, and filled with lots of dashed hopes. But how can infertility be special? Refining? And how can I say it not only is a faith-breaker, but a faith-booster?? And what is this about new dreams?

Infertility was a part of our relationship early on. Medically speaking, there was absolutely no way we would be able to conceive and have a child. Our infertility was explained (with an actual diagnosis and name), whereas for many, infertility is unexplained. I do believe there are pros and cons to either one. But I can only speak of ours.

For us, we did not have to try month after month. We did not have to see doctor after doctor. We didn't need to experience invasive procedures; we knew it would never happen. Having said that, that does not mean we undermine what God could do. We know God can do anything and that no obstacle would ever be too large for Him. However, He also gave us a brain. And we knew as a couple, we had to embrace this diagnosis and live with it; basically, deal with it instead of hope for a baby (biological, that is).

I would think that it is "easier" to deal with a for sure "no" than a "maybe". The "maybe" lends to hope, whereas the "no" means no. I work better with that. God knew that.

When we were content with knowing we would never have a biological child, we could see that having infertility was special. I know, a bizarre way of looking at it, eh? But it was!! It was special because God could use us in ways that others could not because they had children. We were able to help out a lot in the church, by being mentors to the young people; we were able to help out our friends (who all had little kids and at times were overwhelmed) by taking these little ones for a night or two while the parents could enjoy some time on their own. A very big way I saw infertility as special is the fact that I was able to teach for 10 years, showering love on children all day long......and then give them back at the end of the day :o). One last way we could see specialness in infertility was in our relationship. We did everything together. We were one in every sense of the word. Best friends. To experience that is special indeed.

However, just because it was a for sure no and many times we could enjoy the specialness of it, we still have gone through some very dark moments as a couple. There were times where the loss engulfed us, surrounded  and swallowed us up, with no way out. Or so we thought. When you are in it, those tough times can be so encompassing. But when you slowly move your way out of it, that is when you are able to see things in a new light. Hindsight does that to anyone. And that is when refinement has taken place.

(to be continued.....)

National Infertility Week

Last week's events almost had me hang up my blog, with the reason being there is so much more in the world to focus and pray about than writing about what our little family is up to. I always fear that this blog will be superficial and trifling, and when I saw so much distress around me, I saw it as that.

And then this week started and it's

I realized that I am not quite done putting my thoughts down on "paper" about certain topics that I don't find trivial, especially ones that are close to my heart like adoption, marriage, God's relationship with me, my children and today, infertility.

When you think of infertility, what comes to mind? This obviously would depend if it's in your life or not, via you or someone you know. Maybe you never really thought of it. I never, ever did, until it entered my life. Anyone who knew me as a child knew I loved kids and my goal in life was to get married and have kids. Lots of them. At least 6. I never once thought that infertility would play such a major role in my married life. But it has and does.

Let's first look at a definition of:

Infertility 

Definition

Infertility is the failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year. In primary infertility, pregnancy has never occurred. In secondary infertility, one or both members of the couple have previously conceived, but are unable to conceive again after a full year of trying. (taken from here)

So as you can see, there are two kinds, primary and secondary infertility. We fall into that first group, primary. Pregnancy for us has never occurred.

While that definition above is true, I would add to that definition. When I think of infertility, the following words come to my mind:

gut-wrenching; hard; humbling; frustrating; private; vulnerable; lonely; bitter; angry; refining; not understood; personal; hush-hush; roller coaster; special; exposed; sensitive; painful; complicated; rare; significant; faith-breaker; faith-booster; tears; dashed hopes; new dreams; confidential

And that's not it, but I figured it's enough for now. I am sure there are a number of words that you could add to this if infertility is in your life.

What I hope to do this week is take some time to write some posts, expanding on my description of infertility by explaining some of them. I would also like to touch upon how to deal with those who are struggling with it, how to support them.

It states in the Bible that we are to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12: 15). That means being a support to each other through all the ups and downs of life. I hope this week to touch upon how to do this in regards to dealing with infertility.

Like with the adoption series (Part One, Part Two, Part Three), if you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to leave a comment below or, due to the sensitivity of this topic, shoot me off an email. You can find my email address at the top Tab "Contact Me". If you would rather choose to remain anonymous, then leaving a comment would be better (where you can choose to leave it as "anonymous").

Education is huge in order to be able to support those whom God has placed in our lives.

Reflection

I have a few posts running through my mind, but it just seems wrong to post about such frivolous things when there are a lot of people in grief. It seems very selfish and shallow to go on blogging about every day activities going on in my life, when there is so much turmoil happening around me.

Yes, I am referring to the bombings on Monday and now to the explosions in Texas (very different from each other, yet both have left many people in mourning, in shock and injured).

These horrible events that have happened in the last days have reminded me of the calamities like these that happen every day for some people in particular countries. There are people who live with the fear of bombings every day; due to the danger in their country, to dare to even do an every day task like lining up for bread is risking your life.

Let's pray together for not only the US citizens, but for all those where peace seems far-fetched. Let us pray for the governments who are placed in authority to rule their countries. Pray for the victims all over the world whose lives are affected by these events but let us not stop there. Pray also for these people who intentionally harm/kill others with their homemade bombs, which often means killing themselves.

Although we may never achieve world peace (that will only come once Christ returns), we may continue to pray to the Almighty Ruler to be with these people who suffer so much. While it may seem that we aren't doing much because we are so far from the situation(s), never think that prayer is being passive. So let us pray hard and continually for this world that we live in.

Spring is Here (I think!)

Today is a beautiful spring day, a much anticipated day after what happened last week Friday:

Last week Thursday and into Friday, we received quite a bit of freezing rain. Although it looked very pretty, it did some damage as lots of tree limbs were lying about on Friday. And with those tree limbs? Hydro wires. That meant many people did not have power for parts or all of the day on Friday. My dear sister was out of power all day Friday and Saturday. That is tough when that means no water, either!

We are so thankful that all our loved ones were kept safe. And we shall not take for granted light and water for awhile again!!

And so, with the sun shining today and it being around 15 degrees, I think we can officially say that Spring is here and is hopefully here to stay now.

But before you go and think that it's been nothing but winter since October, we did have a day here or there in March where it was nice and spring-like. On one of those days, we decided to head to the Farmer's Market with the kids. I am not a huge fan of crowds and so I prefer to enjoy the market now rather than in the summer with everyone else that lives or visits Ontario.

It was an exciting trip right off the bat for Lincoln, as this was the first time we turned his car seat around. Once he got over the shock of how quickly things went by him, he quite liked it.

Well, it looks like lots of people were eager to get out of the house on that first nice Saturday since last fall!

These horses were used to pull a wagon loaded with visitors to tour the area:

We were disappointed that we didn't see any farm animals as there wasn't an auction that day, but this made Keziah's day: feeding a little dog! She is one brave girl. You wouldn't find me doing that (I know, I'm a chicken).

In large crowds, both of our kids get easily overwhelmed. It makes for a very calm outing with them as neither one of them makes a sound as they take in all the goings on around them.

Knowing that dad and mom are nearby sure helps us to feel safe!

Across the road from the market is Legoland!! So we strolled on to see what that was all about.

It was fun!!! Well, once we got passed the dinosaur!

Can you just imagine what she is thinking? "Oh, how I wish for this!!"

It was even fun for dad!

It was an enjoyable outing as a family. Now that Lincoln is getting a bit older, he can miss a nap here and there, only needing one nap. That makes us look forward to lots of family outings this summer!!

March Learnings

Are you ready for an onslaught of pictures? March was a loooooong month, which left lots of time to learn!

The biggest accomplishment by far was that about 10 days into this month, someone was walking!!

We may or may not have bribed him with food :o)

Someone learned what a Timbit tastes like. Speaking of food. This boy eats a tonne!! We have decided to start a grocery fund instead of a college fund for him.

I learned that I will never, ever tire of watching my husband and my daughter together.

Now that Lincoln is walking, I don't hear his hands smacking against the floor. And so he has learned to sneak up on me quietly and quickly, scaring me half the time. This kid is a s.t.i.n.k.e.r.!!!

Keziah learned to do her own zipper!

I learned that taking a picture of my opened pantry shows evidence that I shop mostly no name brand, hence all the yellow in my cupboards!

Someone learned that waiting for brownies to cool can take a very. long. time.

Nathan and I now have to spell certain words or else the boy will understand and head straight for it, like b-a-t-h, e-a-t and b-e-d. We also found out that we can't even talk about our plans of leaving to go somewhere. If we do, Lincoln disappears and will come back with the following:

Now that he knows how to get them, he has started his first chore: putting them away when we get home.

I thought girls can be expensive with all their accessories and girly stuff, but I found out over the last 7 months that boys can be very expensive as well!

I learned that the pink hat and sunglasses were not actually bought just for me for my birthday. This is what came walking into my kitchen the other day! Roll out the red carpet!!!

We all learned that our tough brave boy is not always so tough and brave:

Nathan learned that this is what he looks like in his daughter's eyes (boy, was I relieved that was daddy and not mommy!!!):



I learned the tough lesson that just because we were dressed like this last March.....

...doesn't mean every March will be that warm!!

I also learned another lesson, one that was slightly emabarrassing, and that is that Oreo crumbs go rancid if left in the cupboard too long!! Good thing my friends have tact and were able to tell me nicely while trying to eat the Toblerone Mousse Cheesecake I had made for them for my birthday :o)

Looks like it was a month of more tough lessons for me. This time it was the lesson that it most likely won't be the kids who ruin the furniture around here. No. Leave it to me and my laundry basket, which left a nice, big, loooong scratch on our new table. Sigh. The first scratch always hurts the most....

Both Nathan and I learned that at the first sign of a cold, put some drops of this "yummy" stuff under our tongues and tada.....the cold goes away!! If you think Buckley's tastes awful, well then, after taking this stuff you'll think Buckley's is dessert!!!

Another lesson Nathan and I learned; that it doesn't matter how long you are married, it never hurts to brush up on our marriage, which we did by participating in this course set up by our church. Fan.tas.tic!!!

Much to this child's excitement and to her mother's hurtful ears, she has learned to whistle!! Next step? To learn to whistle more than one note!



Another lesson learned was that to take a picture of this stinkerbutt is getting way too tricky as he just won't sit still for a second!

Once I got a picture of the two of them, I learned that my heart can beat super fast!!

And finally, the other day, Keziah discovered something about Dora and her......can you guess???!