A Glimpse

The following video has been swirling around "out there" the last couple of days, and I thought I would share it here in case you haven't seen it. I have talked before about the adoption of our children and the day they were placed into our arms by their loving birth parents. I have often stated that there were no words in the dictionary to describe the feelings for that moment. This video captures it well.

Hardly (if any) words are spoken in the video, yet so much is being said as the tears fall. If those tears could talk, each tear drop would say things like this:

• tears of thankfulness for the birth parents, for their gift
• tears of gratitude to God, for your gracious plan
• tears expressing our pleas to the Lord to be with our child's hurting first parents
• tears of respect for our children's birth parents for recognizing life, choosing adoption over abortion
• tears of shock - is this really our child? To keep??
• tears of surreal-ness: this can't really be happening - I am going to wake up soon
• tears of joy in how our child was created by a perfect and faithful Father
• tears of awe in how tiny a human can be!
• tears for the fears of the unknown ahead
• tears of happiness. Oh, the happiness
• tears of excitement of the future
• tears from all the years of wishing, wanting, desiring, hurting, disappointments, ups, downs, hopes and fears

Tears as opposed to words. Watch the video. It could very well have been Nathan and I sitting in those chairs.  But before you do,

Get a Kleenex

We are forever humbled by God's plan in ours and our children's lives. We continue to pray for our children's birth parents. And we pray hard that people who find themselves unable to care for their baby will choose adoption over abortion. Please pray with us about this.

Adoption Bliss, No? Part 3 (last one!)

Finally, we have come to the last part of Adoption Bliss, No?

So I have written about what caused the adoption blues for me and how it affected me. Please note that everyone's blues can be caused by different things, and everyone's reactions to those reasons are also vastly different from one person to the next.

I think the key is to really know it can happen to you and to not deny it - even when you are being educated about it. You see, it shouldn't have slammed me over the head like a wet salmon. We were told it was a normal part of adoption. In all the courses we had to take, Adoption Blues was mentioned - that it was a very real concept and to be prepared for it. So why didn't I recognize it and much less acknowledge it when I had an inkling that's what I was dealing with?!

Because when they were talking about it in those courses, I tuned them out. That's right. I let those words go in one ear and out the other. I didn't need to worry about adoption blues - are you kidding me? I LOVE babies!! And I have loved babies since I was a baby! Babies were magnets for me for as long as I could remember. I dreamed about having babies. My dolls were very real to me (just ask my older sister.....). You had a crying fussy baby? Give him to me. Guaranteed that baby would be sleeping calmly in my arms within 5 minutes from you giving me your baby.  I lived and breathed babies, especially when I was a teenager and in my early to mid 20s.

And now someone is going to say I need to be aware of adoption blues?! Humph. Not on your life!!

So I think this was my first introduction to Humble Pie. I have yet to put that fork away 6 years later.....it's a pie that keeps on giving! :o) But that's a whole other blog post.....

So yes, know that Adoption Blues can hit you no matter how much you love your baby.

Now, how can you cope? Any tricks out there that can get you through? To be honest, everyone is different when it comes to this. For me, just admitting it helped immensely. I had (and still have) such a supportive husband, one who guided me through all those months, who encouraged me, who was there continually to pick me back up. He is the one that made me read a check list for Adoption Blues, not to point it all out to me in a negative way, but to help me to see what I was struggling with.

But really, when I was in the deepness of it, just trying to follow through with a method or trick was just too much. Looking back, it's easy to say, "Now, why didn't I do that to help?" or "Why didn't I ask for help?" or "Why wasn't I just honest with others??", but when you are *in* it, your thoughts are not always thinking straight.

So if you can recognize it before you go too deep, that is such a blessing. Pray, pray, pray, and use the people in your life God has given you. Know yourself and get to know what works for you i.e. walks, talking with others, helping others, reading, baking, finding a hobby, whatever. Only you know yourself the best.

Now that leaves some of you - the ones who are the people who are in the lives of those who have adopted. What can you do?

First off, doing what you are doing right now is already beneficial. You are learning about it by reading this.  Read up on the signs/symptoms so you may be able to recognize them. By educating yourself, you are now more aware of this happening, knowing it can happen to anyone who has adopted.

Secondly, ask the right questions and learn to hear the answers. We all lie - we have all said we are fine when we are not. When you ask someone who has received a baby/child through adoption, be sincere in your question of "How is it going? Like, how is it really going?". And then listen. Listen well. Did you know 'listen' and 'silent' have the same letters, just in a different order? So in order to listen, we need to be silent. This is hard to do!! We usually are working on a response while we listen, but then our minds aren't being silent, are they?

Read the body language, as well as the eyes. Those things can be so much louder than the verbal, "Oh, things are going great!". (actually, all of this could be applied to all conversations, not just when dealing with adoption).

And if someone does confide in you that things are a bit tough, it's been a huge adjustment etc. please, please, PLEASE do not say, "Yeah, I am sure things are tough, but hey, be thankful!!! You have now what you have prayed for! Enjoy every minute 'cause it goes so fast!" No, no, no, no, no. Someone who is confiding in you *is* a thankful person! We most certainly realize the gift we've been given - why do you think we feel so guilty about having a hard time?!

The one statement that makes me cringe the most is "This too shall pass." I know, I KNOW this too shall pass, but right now?! This tough moment is NOT passing soon enough!!!!!

But that's just me......obviously others handle that statement much better than I do, or else it wouldn't be so common.

I also encourage all, adoptive parents and those who know adoptive parents well, to read the two links. There is so much out there about this topic, but I chose just these two links.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-shock-dealing-with-post-adoption-depression_1374199.bc

http://adoption.com/post-adoption-depression

Together we can do our best to help those around us. That is what we are called to do as God's people - to pray for each other and carry each other's burdens.

I praise God for watching over me that first year. I thank Him for giving me what I need today so I don't look back too often to that first year with regret and shame. I am thankful for the people He has placed in my life.

I am so humbled and thankful for the two blessings, Keziah and Lincoln, that God has given me. I do not deserve them, yet out of His graciousness, He has allowed me to be their mother. May He continue to bless me in this task. I love them fiercely and sometimes I am still in disbelief that they are ours. They are such treasures from our Heavenly Father, treasures that I get to enjoy each and every day. Thank you, God!!!

And thank YOU for reading all of this. I promise my next post shall be of a much lighter nature!

Adoption Bliss, No? Part 2

Wow. If I had known the response to Adoption Bliss, No?, I wouldn't have gone to bed that night with sweaty palms and a pit in my stomach. And I would have actually slept a bit better!! Writing about it is one thing. But then putting it "out there" is something else. And so I was extremely nervous to show vulnerability.....no one likes to show this. The only motivation for one to do so is to hopefully help others, to let others know that they are not alone.

And so by all your comments (private or not) via Facebook, here, and face to face, it has encouraged me to keep going, and complete Part 2.

So where were we? Oh yeah, you have brought home your baby/child.....your long awaited, prayed for baby/child. It is most certainly a joyous event, no doubt about it. It's a liken to living on Cloud 9......it is all bliss, new and amazing. People express their happiness, and you yourselves can't stop your faces from smiling. Truly smiling. You are reveling in God's graciousness, so humbled and thankful for this gift from Him.

And then, it hits you. Wham-o. You have fallen from Cloud 9 and it's like free-falling.....slowly at first, then picks up speed till you just can't see, think, or even breathe at times. For some it can hit just after a few weeks, others not till a few months later, and for some not till almost a year later! And even for some others, Adoption Blues doesn't hit at all. For some, the blues are a few weeks, others a few months and for still others a few years.

But I can't speak about others; I can only speak for myself, yet maybe you can relate to some of this. In fact, when I posted Part One, many did comment, saying that what I described was not a whole lot different than Postpartum Depression. This is true in many ways, yet a little different in others.

The first difference is the pressure to enjoy every single moment of your new child. I mean, don't you remember how many papers you filled out for this?! How many police checks, fingerprint checks, courses etc. you had to take and do to get to this point? Don't you remember the tears shed as The Wait was so incredibly hard?? Don't you remember the amount of sobbing that was done while you saw "everyone else" receive a baby and not you?! So of course, you better enjoy every single moment, even if lots of those moments are in the middle of the night, pacing back and forth with a baby crying and crying and crying, even though s/he is fed, cleaned and exhausted. C'mon! What's wrong with you??!

So there's the pressure. Pressure that only I put on myself. No one else.

The other difference between Postpartum Depression and Adoption Blues (for me anyway) was I kept denying I had PAB due to the fact that I didn't give birth, so how could I have The Blues? I thought PPD was because a woman's hormones was all over the place due to having a baby. Her body is a mess - emotionally, physically and mentally! I didn't experience giving birth to my baby, so how in the world could I be blue?!

So then, what does Post Adoption Blues feel like? What causes it? How do you cope?

Again, I can only answer using my experiences. I will touch upon 4 reasons why PAD caught me and stayed with me for a number of months:

1. For me, I felt like I had no idea who I was now. At 31 years of age, I went through an Identity Crisis. I was a teacher for 10 years! and now no more. I would go out and people would ask me what I did for work, and I answered "I am a teacher." I did this for a few years after Keziah was born! It took me a long time to realize and acknowledge that my identity as a teacher was no longer mine. I was no longer a teacher - I was now a stay at home mom! Exciting, huh?! :o) Even when I admitted that I was no longer a teacher, I still answered the question, "Well, I stay at home now, but I was a teacher for many years.". See?! Identity crisis. Result? Adoption Blues.

2. Another cause for me was the struggle of structure, or the lack thereof with a baby - I am a very structured person, and here I now had no idea what each day would bring: she napped 3 hours yesterday morning, why is she only sleeping 20 minutes this morning?! She drank 4 ounces, 6 times yesterday, why is she only drinking 3 ounces 4 times today?! And so on. Not knowing what my day would be like was incredibly hard for me. "Rolling with it" is just not the style that would describe me, and so waking up every day, having no idea what kind of day it would be was almost too much to bear. Result? Adoption Blues.

3. The guilt. Oh, the guilt!!! I had absolutely no idea that when you become a parent, you automatically become guilty. Because I had no idea what I was doing, guilt was smothering me.

• I felt guilty for letting her cry. I felt guilty for picking her up as soon as she made a peep.
• I felt guilty for feeding her too much. I felt guilty for not knowing whether I fed her enough.
• I felt guilty if she fell asleep while I was gallivanting when she should have been in her bed. I felt guilt for having her nap in her bed, as then she might not be able to fall asleep anywhere.
• I felt guilty when I played with her, for then she won't know how to play by herself. I felt guilty when I left her alone on her playmat, for then I am not spending time with her.

Guilt, Guilt. GUILT!!!!! Everywhere!! (and I know this is common for most parents, adoptive or not). For me, it poured on me and stuck like molasses. And it affected my every movement and thought, which made me feel even more inadequate in this mothering thing. Result? Adoption Blues.

4. Lastly, yet one that also had a massive affect on me: the loneliness. Oh, how I was *so* incredibly lonely. I am an extrovert, so to go more than a day without talking to others is very hard on me. Even when I was a teacher, I loved having a snow day. But two snow days in a row?! Oh no. That I did not enjoy at all....too much time by myself. But then you ask, didn't you have a baby? How could you be lonely?! Yes, I had a baby. A baby that slept, and slept and slept! My firstborn slept many a days away, sleeping often 6 or more hours a day well until she was one. She slept so much!! While I did go out with her, she slept best in her bed. And so that is what I did - made sure she got her naps in her bed. Which left me at home a lot. That loneliness was often all-engulfing. So why didn't I call others, or invite my friends over to help ease the loneliness?! Well, pulling away from others was another sign of Adoption Blues. It just was "easier" to mope around, being lonely, than to call or invite others over, 'cause I'll only find out that everyone else is busy anyway, right?!  Not. But I wasn't willing to chance it. Hard to explain.

One reason in itself wasn't too terrible, but having all 4 reasons (plus more) compiling together? Dealing with all 4 - Identity Crisis, Unstructured Days, Guilt and Loneliness - all led to me dealing with Adoption Blues. That means I cried. A LOT!!! And when I wasn't crying, I was too busy trying to breathe. My chest was constantly tight. I couldn't take deep breaths. It was so exhausting having a constricted chest, which stayed with me for months. It always felt like a huge weight was put on my chest and I just couldn't get it off.

So what to do?! Well, I would go on, but this is already getting long! Are you even still with me?! What I thought would be a one blog post has now turned into two.....but I do believe two won't do it either. So Part 3 will be next, where I will write about How to Cope, How to Help Others, and I will post some links for more information. Stay tuned!!

Adoption Bliss, No?

When people found out that we could not have a biological child, they often asked us in quite an enthusiastic way, "So, are you going to adopt?!" Their faces would contain big eager smiles, including excitement in their eyes, thinking that to adopt would just be so cool! Well, cool and exciting to them, yet apparently not cool or exciting enough to actually pursue adoption themselves! (not yet or never will). But I already digress, and I am not even done the first paragraph.

So you can imagine then the elation they expressed when we did share that yes, after many years of living as a family of two, and with lots of prayer, we have decided to go the Adoption Route.

Within the year of deciding to look into adoption (9 months from looking into it to the day she was born), a beautiful darling little girl was placed into our arms. What a gift! A blessing from God!

So much joy was shared with us by so many - a joy that is just so hard to describe. But it was there. It was palpable.

Our baby came home at 4 days old, can't really get too much newer than that :o) As the days having her turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, I often would hear statements like,

• "Wow, Keziah is just so blessed to have you and Nathan as parents."
• "Michelle, you are such a great mom. The love your students received was great, and now little Keziah will get it all!"
• "You must be over the moon and just filled with so much joy!"

People were just so happy for us. But you know what? Every time someone would say something along those lines above, a sharp pain would start in my heart; my chest would constrict and I would have a hard time breathing. Why, you ask?!

Well, I am going to admit something that I haven't done with too many people, and I most certainly didn't say anything or admit a word about this while struggling.

But before I do this, I want to write a disclaimer: how I felt had nothing to do with Keziah - she just happened to be my firstborn. I know I would have experienced what I did no matter who was our first baby.

Okay. Deep breath. Here goes:

Huh?! Is there even such a thing?! Post Adoption Depression?! Seriously? What's next, you ask. Man, there's a diagnosis for everything, isn't there?! How real could this actually be?

Oh, my reader, it absolutely is out there. In fact, just google it. That's actually how I, er, Nathan, figured out that it was exactly what I was going through: Adoption Blues.

It is real and it is hard. And so difficult to explain and be understood! 

Adoption Blues?! Isn't that kind of like an oxy-moron?

After all, we went after adoption, didn't we?  We pursued it! We prayed for a baby! We *knew* that the goal of going down the adoption route was to receive a baby.  We went through years of tears of seeing everyone else receiving babies while we didn't, so what's this about adoption blues?!

How in the world is it possible that one can get blue after receiving something they have spent months and years working and praying for?!

Well, I did. I got it and it hit me hard! But you know what one of the hardest parts was? Denying it! I denied it for various reasons, one of them being that I was just so afraid that God would get frustrated with me and take back the gift He gave me. I was so frightened that He would take my "blues" as my being ungrateful. So I lived in fear of Him taking Keziah away through a terrible accident, with her losing her life.

The other reason I didn't dare speak of what I was struggling with was because I was so worried about people's reactions 

Person: "How's it going,  Michelle? Can you believe you actually have a baby? Isn't this the best??! Isn't life amazing now?!"

Me: "Ummmm, well, I certainly love her, but wow, I just can't stop crying......and I haven't even given birth! Yet I feel my hormones are all over the place!! Being a mom is just so hard! I have no idea what I am doing. "

Person: "What did you expect?! I mean, you wanted to adopt, didn't you? So you mean to say you aren't thankful now that you have what you have wanted for so long?! How could you be struggling with a gift that you've prayed for?"

And so there I went, meeting and greeting people with a false smile plastered on my face, answering that first question with "Yes! I am loving it! This is just so amazing!!", feeling like the biggest liar because the night before I was sobbing in the rocking chair at 2:30 in the morning, holding my sweetheart of a baby, not knowing whether I was coming or going, while my darling husband was googling my "symptoms", trying to figure out what has gotten into his wife.

So, what was really was so hard about Adoption that it would trigger Post Adoption Blues? What are the symptoms? How does one get through it?

You'll have to wait till next time......

PS. that worry of peoples' reactions? Yeah, it's what I am now trying to keep at bay as I put this out there, 6 years later. I ask that you don't judge. Please pray - not for me, but for those who may very well be going through this right now.

It's the Month....

that is very close to our hearts:

I have written plenty about it in the last number of Novembers. If you haven't read and are interested in reading those posts about it, you can find it on the side under the label "Adoption".

I have a few topics up my sleeve to write about for this year, but if there is something you are wondering as well, do shoot me a message! After all, education dispels fear!

Awareness is huge, which is what I want to promote. While I firmly believe that adoption is not for everyone, I do think it is very important that all couples/families should take time to pray, talk and consider adoption and foster care.

So for now, while I formulate my thoughts about what to write about in regards to Adoption (and give you some time to let me know if you have something you may want to know), I encourage you to pray about this very tough yet valuable topic of adoption and foster care.

Scenerios

"MOM!!!! Come and see this!" Yelled on the top of the lungs, through the house.

"I want my mom!!!" Said when child gets hurt.

"Who is her mother?" Asked at a doctor's office.
"I am."

"I don't want you to do it, I want my mom to do it." Said at a friend's house.

"Mommmmmmmmyyyyyy" Said after not seeing mom due to a day at school.

"That's my mom!" Said with a note of claim to a friend.

What do the above scenarios have in common? They were all scenarios that would put a knife through my heart before we were gifted children by God.

I would hear this day in and day out as a teacher and as a person who had friends that were moms long before me.

So often I would hear a child exclaim excitement that only mom was allowed share in it first.

Seeing my friend busy, I would offer to help a child, only to be told that I am not allowed to by the child because I was not his mom.

I would see the glee on my students' faces whenever mom walked into the classroom. Up until that point, I was everything. But once mom walked in, I got bumped.

I  have overheard the pride in a child's voice when they laid claim of their mother to their new found friends at the playground.

Not every time, but many a time, it would twist my gut. It was so painfully obvious that no matter how much I loved the little people in my life, and they loved me - my nieces, my nephews, my students, my friends' kids - when it came down to it, I just was *not* their mom.

Don't get me wrong - that excitement for their mom was rightly placed. That need of wanting only mom to help was normal and expected. Despite it often hurting so much that I was naturally bumped, I was also thankful to witness this relationship between a mother and her child. It made me long for it as well.

That is why now my heart is often in my throat. My eyes are often flooded. My breath is snatched away from me.

By the grace of God, all those scenarios mentioned above, plus so, so many more, now include ME and my children.

When Keziah comes off the bus or meets me at school and cries out, "Mommmmmmyyyy!!", I am still struck with "Is a child really calling out to me?! Really?! My very own?!".

When Lincoln is tired, or lonely, or nervous and all he wants is me, his mom, I can't help but take him up in my arms.

When we are walking in a parking lot, and both children quietly slip their little hands into mine, I want the time to stop so that I can just savour this moment for longer.

And when I tuck them into bed one last time before I go to bed, and they sleepily look up and say, "Mom. I love you." with sweet-smelling breath, my heart lodges in my throat and tears form in my eyes, and I just want to snuggle them forever.

Yes, God has blessed me beyond measure in many things, one of them being my children. He has used my children to bring me closer to Him, to look to Him for wisdom, encouragement and strength.

I  pray daily for those who find themselves hurting, outside of the above scenarios, praying, wishing, desiring to one day have their own mother-child scenes, or scenarios that include more than one child. May God be your source of comfort.

I praise and thank God for these treasured gifts and continue to pray that He may bless me as their mother - that I may do my best to teach, guide and nurture these two blessings to the honour and glory of His Name. I certainly mess up many times (as you will know by reading this blog), however, with the help of God, my dear husband and lots of forgiveness and grace mixed in there, we are able to enjoy so many scenarios that build up our relationship between mother and children. How blessed am I!

Are They Yours?

Having adopted our children, many questions come our way. For the most part, we don't mind......totally depending on the tone, who is asking and who is listening (our children are getting older -  meaning, they also are starting to hear what is being asked).

Many questions directed to us are genuine and we love that. We will then take the time to answer and be as honest as we can be. One question that has come up recently and has been asked of us in the past is this one:

Do you ever feel like the kids aren't yours?

To us that is a very genuine and valid question. Why? Because if we are to be honest, it is a question that we had as well before we adopted.

And if I am even more honest with you, every time *I* saw a child that was adopted, it was always the first thing that popped into my mine. "There's so and so who is adopted.". I could never leave it as "There's so and so.".

Maybe it's because we knew right away in our marriage that to have children, it would only be through adoption and so that is why I took mental note (again and again) as to who was adopted. That term 'adopted' meant something to us, even before we pursued it.

So when we did start looking into adoption, that very same question of will our kids feel like ours rose high in our minds.

If we are blessed with children via adoption, will we see our children through adoption-filtered eyes?

Will we see "adopted" on our children every time we lay eyes on them?

Will we ever see our children as just that, ours? Not "our adopted children"?

And just in case those questions aren't enough to keep you awake, other questions along those lines start to assail you:

What if our child is so different (emotionally, characteristically etc.) from us that it is just so obvious that s/he is adopted?  A side note here - we knew our children would look differently than us.....and that was not a concern of ours at all.

Will our child feel our label on them, that s/he will see that we can't get past that they are adopted?

Well, what can I say?

All I can say is that NO. A big huge emphatic NO.

 NO, we have never felt like our children are not ours. Actually, quite the opposite!! I often forget that I never gave birth to them! It's not until others talk about pregnancy and birth that I am, get this, surprised that I can't talk about my pregnancies, because well, I never had a pregnancy, yet I have two absolutely beautiful children that I would die for.

You know what though? It really is just too hard to explain, to put into words....it is such a deep and emotional feeling, that we know our children are ours. It is something you would have to go through yourself to understand.

While this thought of "I don't think I could love a child that is not mine" is somewhat common (more so in men than women?), this thought cannot be farther than the truth. Not for us anyway.

I say that because you have to realize I am speaking like this based on our experience of adoption. While our answer to that question in red is such a sure and confident "NO", unfortunately there may be other families that have adopted who would answer the question very differently. But I can't answer that question for them and so I will not try. I can only speak for ourselves.

Our children felt like ours the moment they were graciously placed into our arms. Although I struggled with Adoption Blues after Keziah was born (possibly something to write about another time - such a thing as Adoption Blues?!), I do believe that had more to do with the fact that it was a HUGE adjustment in having a baby in our home after 11 years, not an adopted baby in our home.

And more than 5 years later, we have a little girl and a little boy that is a mini-us. Why? Because I do believe that children are a product of their environment. Yes, their personality and character are formed in their DNA, however their environment molds it. And seeing that both Keziah and Lincoln were brought into our homes at birth, they don't know any different!

BUT, you know what's really neat?! Due to both Keziah and Lincoln being in an Open Adoption, we know their birth parents a little bit, and have information on them i.e. likes, dislikes, talents, characteristics, what they are good at, what they struggled with etc.  and it is so neat to see some of those traits coming through as well.

For example, Keziah absolutely LOVES winter. She pines for it all summer long. She can't handle it when it is too hot. She talks of winter all year. That is definitely not from either one of us. We know that is from her birth father. Keziah also is one of the most creative children I have ever seen. Again, so not one of us......we clearly see her birth mother in her.

If you had asked us whether we would be "cool" with that before we adopted, I don't think we would have given you a sure answer. But now, going through it, we can say for sure that we think it is pretty amazing to note what is from their genetics and what is from their environment. Again, it is something you just need to go through to understand.

So yes, we are confident to say that our children are ours. 

When we kiss them goodnight, we kiss our children, not our adopted children.

When we discipline them, we discipline our children, not adopted children.

When we see them in a group of children, we see our children, not adopted children.

When they come running to us with a look of glee on their faces, calling, "Mommy!! Daddy!!", it is our children that are running to us, not our adopted children.

They may not have our hair colour or our stubborn nature (phew!), they *do* have our hearts. They are ours.

Completely.  Thoroughly. Absolutely. Unconditionally.

Thank you, God!!!!

PS. I have a tonne of pictures that I wanted to post to prove it, but yeah, this post is long enough, so maybe just a few? They are from a few years ago.....before I started to blog.

 

Adoption Awareness

Well, November is almost over and with this month being Adoption Awareness month, you may have thought I had forgotten, especially seeing that the last two years I've written a number of blog posts in this particular month on the topic of Adoption.

Nope, not forgotten.....just waiting for something to strike me to write about. I felt I had written quite a bit about Adoption the last few Novembers and I wasn't sure what I could add to it. If you haven't read those blog posts, I encourage you to do so. Some of them are long, but worth the time to read (am I allowed to say that about my own writing?! I  hope that doesn't come across the wrong way..). You never know - it could help you in YOUR journey or someone else's. Because guaranteed if it's not you dealing with infertility, someone close to you is as infertility affects 1 in every 4 couples. And when we talk infertility, the topic of Adoption is not far behind......trying to know whether it's for your family or not, which can be so hard considering everyone else thinks it's the answer and solution. Besides, adopt and most likely you will get pregnant! That's what happened to my sister's husband's aunt's daughter's niece. (I hope you know I am being sarcastic.....;)

After giving my readership an opportunity to ask me whatever about adoption, I answered the questions I received in the following links back in November 2012:
Adoption Q & A Part One
Adoption Q & A Part Two
Adoption Q & A Part Three

Last year, November 2013, I wrote about 5 things Adoption has taught us:
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 1A
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 1B
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 2
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 3
What Adoption Has Taught Us Part 4

Lots of reading material for you! In the meantime, I will continue to think about what to write about this year in regards to Adoption Awareness. I have an idea or two, but please let me know via here or email me whether there is something you'd like me to write about as well. You can always remain anonymous if you leave a comment here, I do not mind that at all.

I hope to have a write up later this week or next week. Give me your thoughts! :o)

Mother's Day

On this day, we remember our children's birth mothers, and they are that - mothers. They cared for our children for 9 very important months while knowing that their task as "mother" will end once they place their children with us. However, though the task of mothering has been passed on to me, their title remains.

The trend the last few years on Mother's Day is to be considerate for all those who may find this day difficult. And it's actually quite mind-blowing who all falls into this category:

• those who have lost their mothers
• those who have a mother but not a relationship with her
• those who are not a mother and would love to be
• those who have lost a child
• those who have a broken relationship with their child

And while I applaud the acknowledgement of the fact that Mother's Day is not an easy day for everyone, I do believe that when we remember those listed above throughout the year, then that will help ease the pain on Mother's Day. At least, that is my experience when we were childless.

So let us not only be mindful of them on this occasion, but let us hold them in our prayers all year long. But don't just leave it at that. Look for opportunities to *show* them we are thinking and praying for them in their difficult circumstance.

Praising God for carrying me through 11 Mother's Days, where some were just so agonizing and others weren't so painful due to the gift of very thoughtful people and little ones in my life. And praising Him for allowing me to enjoy 4 Mother's Days with the two children He has blessed me with.

And if that isn't enough to be thankful for, there is more! We are also very grateful that both Nathan and I enjoy the blessing of having our moms in our lives. May God continue to bless them, as both of them are in the stage of life where they are tugged here, there and everywhere, as they are not only there for their children and grandchildren, but also caring for their mothers/mother in law.

 

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" -- Milton Berle

March Musings

We are in the middle of March Break right now. I know what you are thinking - "you don't have any kids in school, so how are you in the middle of March Break?!"

Well, when you've been a teacher for 10 years, you still get excited for all the breaks, whether that be in March, at Christmas or for the summer. In fact, although I haven't been teaching for 4 years, I still get an exhilaration rush in the beginning of September! What can I say, it is still in me.

 (yes, we still have that much snow in our backyard!)

 

As a teacher, I always looked forward to the breaks. I loved teaching, but I also loved having some time to do housework during daylight hours. Not that I did any, what, with always postponing it to the next day, only for the break to be done before I picked up a dust cloth!

And yet, these breaks were often painful. I would love my first day off, but then by the second, I would start getting restless. By the middle of the break, the topic of adoption would often come up as I became lonely, missing my students. Questions would plague our minds: Is it time to pursue? Is it for us? Are we both on the same page? Is it just because my heart feels empty? Is it wise to look into something when you are vulnerable?

Because truly, throughout the rest of the school year, adoption never really came up. I was content with all these 5 and 6 year olds around me, children that were the closest that came to being "mine" at that time.

 To help fill the void during the breaks, I would often have my "nieces/nephews" over, to spend some time with them and to give mom and dad a break. Or I would travel along with mom and dad to special outings, helping in any way I could. It was fun, and I always appreciated being included. I loved the interaction with these special little people in my life.

And yet, once the fun was had and it was time to go home, I would always leave these events. Alone. I would pass by the family I was with, driving by as I have already hopped very easily in my car. And with no one else but me to buckle in, I was even most likely arriving home before they had everyone fastened in their assigned seats, with snacks in hand and noses wiped.

While I always was so thankful to be included, it often left me with a pain in my heart, sometimes one not so sharp, and other times it would be a pain that felt like it was ripping my heart in shreds. Leaving in tears was not an uncommon conclusion.

Well, that brings me to today. Today was a gorgeous and beautiful day. Not because it was a sunny 14 degrees!!! That's right, 14 degrees CELCIUS!!! But today was a beautiful day, because this time I went to an event with not only my nephews, but also my own daughter and son.

And this time, at the end of enjoying a March Break activity, I was *not* able to just hop into the car quickly. That's because I had two of my own children to buckle in, hand out some snacks and wipe some noses.

I was *not* home by the time my sister and brother in law turned on their van. In fact, I was the last one to leave, because unlike them, I had to fold up a stroller (they are past that stage) and place in the back of the vehicle.

And I most certainly did *not* leave with a pain in my heart. While I may have shed a tear or two, they were completely different tears than years ago. Instead of my heart feeling like it was being ripped apart, it felt like it was ready to burst. With love. With gratitude.

It never ceases to amaze me that God has blessed us with two of His treasured blessings. We are always so thankful for the 11 years we had together as a family of two, and we will never cease to be thankful for the new dimension of having two more added to our family.

Tonight at supper, Keziah was asking me how much I loved her. After trying to explain to her how deep my love was for her, she was quick to respond:

"Mom, I love you so much too. And I will even love you when you are dead, even though you won't know it then.".

I almost choked on my supper! It was so hard not to laugh when she was so genuine.

And with that, the day ended and I was left with a full heart in the middle of March Break (a heart that also included a prayer that I will know my darling daughter loves me lots because, well, I am still alive!! :o)

What Adoption Has Taught Us - Part 4

.....about our children.

What adoption has taught us in regards to our children is this:

They may not have an ounce of genetic traits from us, but they do have something of ours, and that is our hearts! And they captured our hearts from the moment we met them, and the stinkers haven't let go! If anything, they keep squeezing harder and harder :o)

Again, some honesty. Many years ago, when we briefly talked about whether we should adopt or not, the fear of not knowing whether we could love someone else's child was a huge hurdle for us. We wrestled with the question of would we ever see that child as our daughter/son. We were concerned that we would never be able to look past their adoption, and always see that first when looking at our children. And if we couldn't have our "own" children, then adopting was not something we wanted.

Praise God for His ways!!! And that in the end, it was His plans that He made known to us!

While those fears are definitely real and understandable, we learned very quickly many years later, that we wanted to parent. It became apparent that we had a desire to parent, which completely overtook our desire to pass down our genes. And so we started the journey of adoption.

That question though of whether we would really see them as ours was always in the back of our minds, that is, until we held each of them. And we have never asked that question again.

Instead, we proudly shout: YES, this is OUR daughter!!!!!

And this is OUR son!!!!

So our children taught us many things and will continue to teach us for as long as the Lord allows this relationship to grow. But one of the biggest things they taught us has been nicely summed up in this poem:

And that is the truth. And the beauty of it all is it doesn't stop there. The two of our children come from very different genes, backgrounds and circumstances. But we have been blessed with the gift of watching how that doesn't matter to them one iota. For these two blessings absolutely love each other. Yes, they have their moments, but they are few and far between. These two are not only siblings through adoption, they are playmates and best friends. We pray that God will continue to bless this relationship.

And that is the end of our 4 part series of what adoption has taught us. I hope you enjoyed it. Do feel free to email me if you ever have any questions at all in regards to adoption. I will do my best to answer them.

If you are at a fork in the road of life as to whether to pursue adoption or not (whether you have biological children already or not), may you be given much strength and wisdom to seek His will. Be ready for His ways, as you never know where He may lead you.

If you are on the road of adoption, hold fast to Him and know that He has a plan, which can be so comforting in all the ups and downs. And I pray that your desire to have a (another) child may be God's will for you and your family.

And if you are just reading for interest sake or that you know of someone close to you that is journeying down this road, pray for them. Pray also that you may be a shoulder to cry on, as well as someone to keep them looking to God for their help.

What Adoption Has Taught Us About Birth Parents....and Us!

Adoption has taught us that Birth Parents are real.

What I mean by 'real' is this: they have feelings. They have emotions. They love. They cry. They laugh. They hurt. They make mistakes. They are not perfect. They are someone's child. They sin. They were created by God. They belong on this earth just as much as you and I do.

I state these things because there are many out there who think differently of birth parents. There can be a stigma out there that birth parents are either prostitutes, teenage moms, druggies or alcoholics. They don't care. They are selfish. They are negligent. They are irresponsible, reckless,  and thoughtless. I mean, how else did they end up in the predicament they find themselves in, right? (note sarcastic tone here).

There are many out there who think it is wrong that birth parents place their children for adoption. That to place your child up for adoption is sinful. It is un-natural, i.e. sinful; after all, these children belong with their biological parents for that is the natural way, the way God intended.

Actually, these people are right. To a certain degree. Yes, the natural thing is for children to stay with their own blood, but guess what? Since the fall into sin, nothing is natural anymore! Sin is everywhere and so are the consequences of living in sin.

But if we are going to compare what is un-natural and natural in regards to birth parents, we need to be ready to take a good look at ourselves as well. Because I don't know about you, but I know I can be selfish, negligent, irresponsible, reckless and thoughtless at times as well. The only way to measure ourselves though is not to look around at others, but to use our Biblical mirror, His Word and Law.

Let's take a moment to see what is un-natural in our own lives before we condemn the choice birth parents have made to place their child up for adoption.

Before the Fall into Sin, it was very natural for Adam and Eve to live harmoniously with God. At all times. Do you and I?

It was very natural for Adam and Eve to live together as one. Completely one. Can you imagine marriage without sin?! That's what they had!! Do you and I have a marriage like this?

It was completely natural for Adam and Eve to eat what was given to them.....but not to be gluttons. How's your and my weight? Can we contain ourselves at an "All you can eat" dessert buffet?!

Before the Fall, Adam and Eve never slandered. Or gossiped.

Get this one: it was completely natural for them to walk around, well, au naturel!! All day! Without shame!! How do you feel naked?! (no, please don't answer this one :o)

We do not live in unity with God at all times. It is a constant struggle. This is un-natural. We need His Word and Spirit, as well as the gift of salvation.

I do not live completely in harmony with my husband, never getting upset with him; I am not kind and gentle every moment of the day. I do not always serve with a willing heart. This is un-natural.

I love food. A little too much. I am a glutton when it comes to chocolate, candies or anything salty. I forget that there will be food tomorrow and so eat like this is my last meal. Every meal. This is un-natural.

I have gossiped. And ashamed to confess that I also have slandered. Oh, so un-natural.

And well, I am not going to answer the naked question.

My point is this: what was to be considered 'natural' went by the wayside once sin came into the world. Sin destroyed everything that was considered natural. Nothing is natural anymore! Natural was lost! Since that time, everything is now un-natural. It is not how God created His world. But now, everything, from our relationship with God, our interactions with others, how we treat our bodies (the temple of the Holy Spirit!) physically and sexually, is un-natural. 

We are so quick to judge others. But guess what? We are no better than these birth parents!! No, we may not have had to make the choice to place our child for adoption, but when was the last time we did anything natural, like it was before the Fall into Sin?

So before we judge, or make a comment of "well, it's un-natural for the birth parents to give up their babies.", make a mental note of when it was the last time we shoved fast food into our mouth; before we look down on them, let's take a moment to remember the last time we last  held a grudge against our spouse/children; before we dismiss birth parents as careless, ponder on when we last spent time in devotions.

Take that time and energy that otherwise would be spent in judging, and use it for prayer. For ourselves and for others. Pray for those who find themselves in a situation due to the consequences of sin, no matter what the sin may be. For sin is sin and we are all guilty of it.

Matthew 7 1-5:
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

So, in a nutshell, this is what I mean:

The birth parents we have met are not thoughtless and inconsiderate. In fact, they are sincere, heartfelt, perceptible and mature! Yes, they have chosen adoption as an answer for their predicament, an un-natural thing to do. However, you and I know very well what types of un-natural things we choose for ourselves.

"When they kept on questioning Him (that is Jesus), He straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7.  

Birth parents are real. We are real. We are all sinful human beings in need of a Saviour. Pray that others may see this need for a Saviour. And if you believe and know that your sins are forgiven through the work of Jesus our Lord, then fall on your knees out of thankfulness and humbleness for the grace of God that has been extended to you - not because you are so righteous, but because He loves you. You have been given the gift of faith as well as His mercy. So then let us pray for this mercy to flow through us and out to those around us.

How great and awesome it'll be once everything is back to being natural again, everything in perfect harmony! A place where adoption is no longer necessary; where we will live harmoniously with God and others; where we won't pig out or bring others down in our thought and speech. And that time will come when our Saviour comes on the clouds, to take us out of this un-natural state, and bring us to Paradise with Him. Come, Lord Jesus, come!! And thank you, Lord, for this hope we may have.

What Adoption Has Taught Us - Part 1B

Part 1B of why Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Part 1A is the post before this one.

So, you made it....done all the paperwork, your friends and family have vouched for you and nothing has come up in the past that marks you with a red flag. Every door in your house has a lock at the top and you now are used to showering in lukewarm water. You did it!!!

Now begins The Wait. The Wait may be different, depending on the organization you went with. You might be waiting for a call, or an email. We went privately, so that means we received emails for potential adoptive opportunities.

This leaves you checking your email 87 times a day, all with the hopes of "maybe this time there's something.....", only to see that there's only an email for the latest wagjag deal for a kids' indoor playground, which only pierces your heart more as you realize in order to enjoy that deal, you kind of need a kid.

Days go by, weeks, and then months. Deep down, you know it could take many years. After all, there were plenty of people who told you that! Sigh. You try to keep busy.

And then, one day there's an email. Your heart stops. You read through the very few details, call your spouse franticly, all the while praying that this could be the one!!! And then, as you read more carefully through the details, there are red flags. And you realize that this one is not to be. So you turn it down. And then the guilt hits. Doesn't every child deserve a Christian home?! Lord, were we wrong? Will this be the only potential this year and we turned it down???

Finally, what seems like too long, there's another email. One that "fits" us! And so we say "Yes! Please present us to the birth parents!". And a new waiting begins. Will they choose us? What do they think while looking through the Profile Book? Will they click with us through that Profile Book? Should we start getting things ready? Even though you warn yourself not to "go there", you start to picture a little one in your arms. You have a name picked out. You envision how you will share the news with family and friends.

But then the world stops. You've received word. And it's NO. No, you were not chosen. She/they chose someone else (or possibly chose to parent). Although you've tried to guard your heart, keeping your hopes low, you don't realize until you hear this devastating news how high your hopes actually were. You are crushed. It is not to be. Why?! Oh, WHY NOT US?! What was wrong with us?! Was there something in the Profile Book that they misunderstood? Because honestly, in our eyes, we see ourselves as the best potential parents out there!

And so, The Wait continues. Sometimes for weeks/months before you hear news of another potential (In our case, Keziah's email was the second one but the first one we were interested in while waiting; Lincoln's was the third one out of 18 that we 'went after').

At last, you receive a potential that seems to be a 'good' one, one that looks promising. Again, you allow your Profile Book to be seen, all the while trying hard to protect your heart this time. You have no idea when the birth parent(s) will see it, or what they are thinking. You wait, trying to live your life normally, as if nothing is happening. It could very well be a 'no'. You again try to protect your heart from hurt, from rejection. Yet, once again, it's another 'no'. Your hopes plummet faster than your body temperature if dipped into icy Lake Ontario.

The Roller Coaster ride continues. Will you ever be chosen? Is God saying adoption is not for your family? Is there one out there for us?! Will we ever get to hear a 'yes'?! How long can we endure this?!

But you stick it out. Waiting.

The days go by. You can't help but feel that everyone is having a baby, but you.

It's a Friday evening. You are exhausted from work. Before you go to bed, you check your email just one more time (113th time that day, but who's counting anyway?). There is an email. You cautiously proceed, praying earnestly that this is the one. And if not, you pray for peace, resting in the knowledge that God is sovereign. You allow your Profile Book to be seen. Again.

What seems like an eternity, you receive word: Yes. This time it's a yes!!! Hallelujah!!!!! Praise God! Really?! We were liked??? They chose us?! Oh yes!!!! So exciting! And if you are like me, guilt also nudges my heart as I realize that while we received a "yes" email/phone call, other families received a 'no' for this very one.

But the wait is not over! (Again, I can only comment on our experiences. With Keziah we were chosen early, and had to wait 4 more months before she was born. With Lincoln, it was only 5 weeks).

You start getting things ready. In due time you share the exciting news with all our loved ones. But you are guarded. Your feelings are reserved. For while there is excitement, you can never, ever forget that this promised baby is not yours.

At any moment, the birth parents can change their minds. And rightly so. You are incredibly aware that while you've been chosen, you can be quickly 'un-chosen'. And so you spend time in humble prayer before God, pleading with Him that this child He has created may be brought into your home.

In God's timing, this baby is born. You are called to meet "your" little one. You take him/her home. But guess what? Don't think The Wait is over! Oh no. And if you thought The Wait before was painful? How about waiting for more than a month to see if the birth parents will change their minds and take their baby back? All the while with that little one in your arms?! My, oh my. This part still makes me tear up. While it didn't happen to us, the possibility of the birth parents taking their baby back is real and great.

It is not until that time period is over (minimum 29 days) that you can finally, FINALLY celebrate the addition to your family without restraint. And so begins a new dimension to your life, a life that includes a child.

So tell me. Would you agree with me that Adoption is not for the faint of heart?

I do not want you to go away from this though, thinking that it is impossible. For if it is God's will to adopt, it is possible, for He will make it possible. We will talk more of this God, our Fortress, in my next post, and what we learned about Him.

The intent of this post was to invite you to take a side car on the roller coaster ride. Yes, I was honest, even brutal, to the point you may leave thinking "Well, hasn't she ever put a negative slant on Adoption." No, not negative. Just truthful. And you could say I am negative about it if I were to leave it at just these two posts. But as you know, there are a few more posts coming. And hopefully, at the end of the month, you will see how Adoption is not just difficult. It can be beautiful. There are so many positives about it as well! And while I may not find this roller coaster in an Amusement Park, it is one ride that we are so thankful to have been on and are on.

What Adoption Has Taught Us - Part 1A

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am hoping to do some writing on What Adoption Has Taught Us to commemorate Adoption Awareness month. I hope to cover the following, but it could very well change as the month goes on:

1. Adoption has taught us it is not for the faint of heart (in two parts)
2. What Adoption has taught us about birth parents
3. What Adoption has taught us about us as individuals, as a couple and most importantly, of God
4. What Adoption has taught us about our children

So here we go: Adoption has taught us that it is not for the faint of heart. This was supposed to be just one post, but once I got typing, I couldn't stop!! It became so long! And so I split it into two parts. The first part is that you cannot be faint of heart to endure the process of getting on The List. The second part will cover the fact that you can't be faint of heart to brave The Wait.

Oh, and not only can't you be faint of heart, you can't be a tree activist either - unless you are prepared to replace every tree that was used to make the mountains of paper that was needed for you to adopt.

But seriously, adoption is tough. It is hard work. It's a roller coaster ride like you've never been on before.

I say this not to deter you from pursuing it. I say it to those who think that adoption is such an easy answer for those who would love to have kids, or more kids.

While it may seem like an easy answer, it is far from it. If you want to adopt, you better be prepared to have every square inch of your life examined. And I am not just talking about present day. Oh no, your past and your future will need to be inspected as well.

In order to be seen as "fit to parent", friends, co-workers, ministers, doctors and family members will need to vouch for you.

You will need to have your home inspected to make sure your future child won't get a scratch. Your hot water is checked to make sure it is not too hot; every bottle in your home that has a Cross Bones better be on the very top shelf, locked in there with 3 padlocks (yes, slight exaggeration but it's amazing what all needs a checkmark in order for you home to be approved).

 You will need to lay out how you are going to raise your kids (ha!!! I should look back to see how we answered this. Such an easy question actually to answer - when you don't have kids :o).

You will need to have physicals, police checks, fingerprints done, visit after visit with social workers.

You will need to decide on what you are comfortable with: a child with disabilities and what degree of disability, a different race, a mixed race, open adoption, how open to be with adoption, boy, girl, both, age of the child, circumstances of the child, drugs/alcohol during pregnancy, genetic difficulties, siblings, location, and I am sure I'll think of some more after I post this.

Almost done! Yay! But first, you need to check off 27 hours of training, what is known as P.R.I.D.E. which stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education. And this course is only offered certain times of the year. And fill up very quickly!

All of this is the ride before you are actually on The List.

And then, just when you think you've exhausted everything, including all the pens in your home, you are asked to make a Profile Book. A Profile Book is a book that birth parents will use to choose you to raise their child. You address them in your book, like you are writing them a letter. This book needs to be about yourselves. Have you ever tried to make a book about yourself, knowing that what you put in there could either turn birth parents off, or interest them? In that book, you present yourselves as individuals, as a couple, your interests, your values, your future goals, what you hope for in a relationship with the birth parents. And don't forget to add pictures! But be careful! You don't want to put too much in this book, or too little; or put in old pictures of yourselves or too many posed pictures; or look fake, or be too serious; or be too adventurous, or be too much of a homebody, or, well, I think you get the idea. Basically, it's a book that pretty much makes you feel like you are selling yourself in order to prove that YOU are the ones the birth parents should choose over and above all the other vying adoptive parents. Yeah, a very difficult project to complete.

Here are a few pages from our Profile Book (3 out of 21 pages):

Did I mention yet that all this needs to be done while you continue to live your life normally, working at your job?

What may have seem never-ending, you finally see the bottom page of the 3 foot high paper stack. You sign it and breathe a big sigh of relief. You are approved and now on The List. Yay! Time for celebration!! But then the next day happens, and you begin The Wait. Oh, The Wait. How torturous this time can be. And long. More of this on the next post.

November? Already?!

Wow, 3 posts in one week! I am on a roll!! :o)

November is:

Last year, I did a series of Q & A's, doing my best to answer the questions posed to us by you in regards to adoption. While you wait for me to get down "on paper" this year's installment for Adoption Awareness month (just busy getting over the shock that it is November already!), and if you are interested, I invite you to read through those blog posts from last year, especially if you haven't read them already.

You will find it here:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

This year I hope to write about "What Adoption Has Taught Us". Stay tuned! :o)