The Do's and Don'ts of Dealing with Infertility - List One

This post will list a bunch of do's and don'ts for those who are not sure as to how to deal with someone close that is struggling with infertility. I'll also list do's and don'ts for the infertile couple, which will be on the next post.

It can be very awkward when you know someone is struggling with something and you don't know how to approach them, especially when it comes to infertility because this is a private and personal struggle. Yet, the funny thing is, the longer you are married, the more exposed and public your struggle becomes, especially among our church circles. It is usually the "normal" course of life to be married and after a year or two you start a family. When children don't follow after 3, 4 or 5 years of marriage, your private burden becomes glaringly obvious.

So what do we do? How do we support each other? How do we share our burdens and joys together? Does a couple with infertility even want support? Can someone who has been blessed with a large family have any right to approach someone who can't seem to have a child?

I don't have all the answers and everyone is different. I can only list what I know for myself and what has happened to us. You may disagree with some of it, depending on your personality. You may also add to it due to an experience. But here we go. First the list for those who have loved ones that are going through this burden:

Don't ask "who is it, you or your husband?" - seriously? Would it matter?? Besides, as a husband and wife, we are one. So that means we both aren't able to have children. The only time we would divulge this information is if someone was genuinely coming to us because they also are struggling with infertility.

Don't say "I'm sorry" after you ask about children and find out the answer that it's not happening. Pity is not what we want. Empathy, yes. Pity, no.

Do tell us when you are expecting. We like to know! The more you tip-toe around us, the more it'll hurt. Although it may make us cry, know that we are still happy for you. Just sad for us.

Don't share the story of your husband's cousin's wife's sister, who after 10 years, finally got pregnant.

Do pray for all those who are struggling with this, for Thy will be done, whether that means a child or not

Do talk about your children. We do like to hear about them. But be considerate by making sure that isn't all you talk about (now as a mother, I know how hard it is to make sure "kid talk" doesn't take over my life. But there is so much more to talk about :o)

Do know your audience when in a group. If you know there is a couple who is dealing with infertility, make sure the topics are not just about how your child learned to pee on the potty

Do ask about their interests. There have been times where I've been at a function with a bunch of women and not once did someone ask about how my work was going. If someone had asked about something in my life, it would have made listening to stories of their children a whole lot easier

Don't tell us to go on holidays, or to just relax. If everyone conceived when they were relaxed, I do believe the population on this earth would be much less

Don't ever, ever, say "but you have one already. Aren't you thankful?"

Do pray for the right words, so that you may know how to approach someone

Do send a "care" card, or a "thinking of you" one. It may be hard to read but I am pretty sure it'll be treasured. The ones I received sure were.

Don't complain about your children. It doesn't make us feel better. Most people have a few friends. It is a good thing as each friend can be used in different ways. If you need to offload about your struggles with your kids, use a different friend, one that can actually understand

Don't suggest adoption as a remedy. It may be this for some, but not for all. And don't add that once a couple adopts, they often conceive. Yeah. Not helpful.

Do understand the term "confidentiality".

Don't expect people to "just get over it". You don't just get over infertility. It follows you everywhere, even as you age. Infertility may be very tough for those in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. But guess what? It's tough in the 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond because now the loss of the dream of having grandchildren takes place

Do learn to listen. And to listen, that means to be silent. Did you know both 'listen' and 'silent' have the same letters, just in a different order?


Phew. What a list! And I know I haven't listed everything. I know once I post this, I'll think of something else to add. But so be it. It's a start anyway. Feel free to add! Tomorrow I will have a list for the couple with infertility.