When you were at any of the adoption courses or workshops, were there any singles there?
Yes. Actually, when taking P.R.I.D.E. it was lead by two people who adopted. The one was a single lady who had adopted internationally.
I'm not totally clear on the difference between open and closed adoptions.
Openness means there is the opportunity for contact between the adoptive parents and the birthparents (before the age of 18 of the child). Closed means there is not (until after the age of 18, and then still maybe not). That's a really short answer but that's basically the jist of it anyway (I think...).
How many times did you visit with the birthparents? Do they both have to be there for the visits with you?
We did not meet Keziah's or Lincoln's birthparents until after we were chosen. The first time we met both sets, the agency/licensee/adoption practitioner was there with us. That has to happen legally. From there we met a few times more, but without any legal people, which is so much more relaxing.
No, they do not both need to be there. For Keziah's birthparents, we did because they were (and are) still together. For Lincoln's birthparents, we met each one separately as they were not together anymore.
Can you or have you allowed any access by the birthparents to either Keziah or Lincoln since adoption? Would you consider or allow it?
Due to the "rules" of openness, yes, we do still have contact with both Keziah's and Lincoln's birthparents (which by the way, has come in super-handy when dealing with Keziah's birthmark and her genetic history).
The first time around, when we were introduced to openness, we were s.c.a.r.e.d. Very scared. But we knew that if we wanted to adopt privately and receive a baby, we had to come to terms with it. Although we promised the minimum in our homestudy - the minimum being 1 visit a year, with a few updates (pictures and a write up) - we really did not come to terms with openness until we actually met the birthparents that we were promising openness to.
And that is one big factor in how you are matched up with a birthparent. If either Keziah's or Lincoln's birthparents wanted more openness, our profile wouldn't have been presented to them because it is not a match. We would be on different pages as to what we want and are looking for in each other.
Now, the "rules" of openness are not legal. We could very well slam the door on the birthparents once their child is ours for good. And they could not do a thing about it. I know of it happening where adoptive parents promised lots of openness to a birthparent and so she chose them, thinking she would be able to see her baby a number of times in a year; once all the legal work was done and the child was placed successfully into the adoptive parents' home, they told her that they never want to see or hear from her again. And the birthparent can't do anything about it.
You see, once all the legal work is done and the stamp is sealed, we are the parents of the child. So we can make those decisions now.
But really, can you not see how that would blow up in the adoptive parents' faces in a few years when their child starts asking questions? Openness is not only for the birthparents, but for the child as well. Because both of our kids have a minimum open adoption, we will be able to answer some of their tough questions that they may have when they are older.
If Keziah and Lincoln go through a "I am not interested in meeting my birthparents" stage, then we, as their parents, go by their wishes, not the birthparents. And the birthparents understand this.
When you adopted Lincoln, you mentioned that there was a thirty day grace period for either of the birth parents to claim him. Do they have to meet any rules to be able to take the child back?
I am not sure about the birthparents meeting the rules. I do know it depends on circumstances. For instance, if their baby was apprehended at the hospital already by the Children's Aid Society, then yes, they definitely need to meet certain requirements before they can have their baby back.
Was the thirty day grace period mentioned above the toughest part of the adoption process? If I were in that position, I would be on edge for the whole thirty days.
It is very hard to determine what is the toughest part of the whole adoption process. The waiting period (not always 30 days.....can be even longer, like months) is definitely tough. That is where you learn to take one day at a time and you need to completely rest in the sovereignty of God. Only He knows the plans. And you can not do anything but trust, trust, trust. No easy task, I tell you. Thankfully for us, the waiting period was over and we had our little ones. That is not always the case for everyone.
But I am sure many can relate with the feelings of loosing a child. Maybe not through adoption, but either through a miscarriage, death as an infant or as a child growing up. I realize it is different in the fact that "our" child is taken out of our homes and placed into another home, but what is similiar is the sense of loss (of a dream). And if we really remember Who our children belong to, we will recognize that we have no idea when He will want them in His Home.
Another aspect of the whole journey I found difficult and very tough is the feeling of "I am stealing her/their baby." and it is causing them great pain. I had to really work through this feeling.
Are there any rules for the adoption parents after the adoption is finalized?
Not that I can think of. No different than a home with biological children. Once that adoption is final, the adoptive family does not have its own special set of rules that are different than a "regular" family.
It may be a bit early to come up with a plan on how you will tell Keziah and Lincoln but I imagine you have been thinking about how to let them know.
In our view, it is never too early to start telling our children their history. We have told them from the moment they've come home from the hospital to be with us. And it is not only for their sakes that we do this. It is for us as well. You see, the more you talk about it, the more comfortable you become with it and it is then portrayed as it's really not that big of a deal. I don't mean that the adoption is downplayed, I just mean I don't want it to define my children. And so we talk about it whenever it comes up, either by her or by us, nonchalantly. And no, we do not talk about it all the time. You don't want to always talk about it and point it out, or else they will definitely feel different, and not in a positive way. So it's a balance, mostly recognizing cues from your child or a situation that may come up.
Afterall, to talk about it whenever is important, for it is for them to know! And it is for us to tell them right off the bat. Besides, what is there to hide?? By not sharing with them their background, are we not hiding behind our own insecurities of what a "parent" is? The more you hide the fact that they are adopted, the more confusing and insecure they will become.
Now that Keziah is 3, she is starting to understand a little bit of it. She knows her birthparents' names and that she did not grow in my tummy but in her birthmother's tummy. What she hasn't clued into yet is that that isn't the "norm" (I say that carefully). She hasn't clued in yet that most of her friends grew in their mommies' tummies and actually stayed with them! I am sure that will come, but for now, I leave it be. I let her cue me. And I know, the older she gets, the more questions she may have. We will continue to pray hard for wisdom in helping her (and Lincoln) understand their adoption, as best as we can. This is when I am so thankful they have each other to lean on as well, as we are not adopted (physically anyway. Spiritually, yes).
Funny story. The other day she saw a picture of her birthparents and she said "Those are my parents." I will admit, my stomach dropped a bit as I did not expect her to say that. But quickly it became apparent that she did not know exactly what "parents" meant as I asked her "Are we your parents?" She looked at me really funny and said "No!! You are my mom and my dad!!!". So I did tell her that they were her birthparents and that we are her mom and dad parents. And left it at that and I saw she was satisfied with that.
Oh, and a big thing we include in telling them, is that GOD is the one that chose them for our family. GOD is the one who chose them to be our children and us to be their parents. Yes, He used their birthparents, but ultimately it is God who planned this all out. And to think He had this planned out before He even said "Let there be light." Amazing.
And there you have it. Some questions and answers....or maybe now you have more questions?? :o) Again, if you have a question that has not been covered in these 2 posts, don't hesitate to ask. Asking questions is the best way to learn. As I said in the first post, I may not have the answers but I might know where or who to direct your question to. Not too many questions are offensive. What makes a question offensive is the tone and/or intent of the question. Hmmm, that's a thought.....a post listing questions/comments NOT to say to those who are adopting, who have adopted or to those who are not sure what to do, whether to adopt or not.
But enough for now....time for some "lighter" posts. And some posts with pictures!!!! :o)
Edit: Oops!!!! I just found another email with about 5 more questions. So Part 3 is coming, it just won't be as long as the last two.
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