Adoption Question and Answer - Part 3

Due to an "overlooked" email, I forgot a few questions. These questions will kind of be out of order and so they won't have a flow to it like the first two posts. If I had remembered these questions, they would have been inserted with other questions that had a similiar thread. But on we go and I promise this will be the last post about adoption for awhile :o)

Do you know of an instance where someone went through the process of getting references but was still rejected?
I do not know of this. I am not sure what "qualifies" for a couple/family or single to get rejected.

Besides having all of your references provide references for themselves, how do the adoption agencies verify that your references are acceptable?
Good question. There were requirements as to who could be our reference. For instance, it could not all be family. It had to be a mixture of family and friends who have known us for a number of years. For Jewels for Jesus, our minister also had to provide a reference, stating how we are involved etc. in our congregation. For Jewels for Jesus, your faith is incredibly important. We had to even write our statement of faith and what it means to us. With Beginnings, there wasn't that emphasis.

By reading the references, there should be a common theme if the people know us well enough. Between their references and the paperwork we had to complete ourselves, the same things should come up (i.e. temperment, personality etc.)

In our church community having children is viewed as automatic. Did you feel any pressure to adopt or foster? To not have children may be seen as being selfish.
Yes, in our church community, having children can sometimes be viewed as automatic. I do believe there is a shift, even from 14 years ago; a positive shift. Infertility is spoke of more often and so people are becoming more aware that if a couple does not have children, that may not be their choice.

14 years ago you didn't talk about it much for it was "taboo", talking about something that is seen as too personal. On one hand it is a subject that is very personal; however, that depends on the details that are given. Simply saying "God has chosen not to give us a child yet." made people aware of Who is the Giver of gifts as well as the fact that we are dealing with infertility but very little, if any, intimate detail is shared.

Pressure to adopt/foster......oh yes. Definitely. And that often was very hard to hear as it sometimes came from people who we confided in with our struggles of inferility and the grief that comes with it. I know they meant well in suggesting adoption, but at the time it hurt. Adoption wasn't what we were looking for. We were looking for a shoulder to cry on, to be reminded that God still loved us and that this love was shown every day by the gifts He had given us. You see, adoption doesn't deal with your infertility. If you think it does, disappointment will come. You can then see adoption as a band-aid solution. It may help the pain, but it doesn't take it away or erase the scar. Just because we've adopted, that doesn't mean our infertility is gone and isn't an issue anymore. It has definitely taken a backstage and isn't in the forefront, but it is still there.

As a couple we really felt we needed to deal with the fact that we would never have a biological child before we adopted. We had to answer the question "do we want to parent or do we want to pass down our genetics?" Never having a biological child needs to be dealt with before you look at adoption. Or else you are looking at adoption with just your heart and not your head. You will be desperate and the danger of having a child becoming an idol becomes very real (again, I speak of experience here with my own dealings).

Yes, we were seen as selfish by a few, but we knew we could help out in ways that families that had children couldn't. But you know what? Now that I have children, I think I struggle more with selfishness as it is very easy to just be wrapped up in my own little world and not help others, using the excuse "well, I can't, I have two little ones and I am busy.".

Oh, and after years of people suggesting adoption to us, we started throwing that question right back at them.
"Have you thought of adoption?"
"Ummm, yes. Have you??"

You see, adoption isn't only for those who can't have children :o)

Did you find that the church community was supportive when you began this process and did they remain so throughout?
Hmmm, I would think as a whole, yes. We did, of course, had discussions with people who just don't understand adoption. They can't understand how a birthmother can "give up" her child (and truth be told, neither can we, HOWEVER, we don't need to understand it. We've never been in her shoes. Yet one thing is a fact, she never aborted her baby. And that is why we have so much respect for our children's birthmothers). Thankfully we don't really run into what people thought of years ago in our churches and that is, adopted children are not part of the covenant. Really??? Then explain Jesus! He was adopted by Joseph!! And if you don't think Joseph adopted Jesus, then reread the texts that explain how often Joseph took Jesus, as a baby/child, out of harm's way (King Herod). He definitely adopted Jesus as his son.

In our experience, we often have observed and stated that we aren't the only ones who adopted our children. Our church has as well. Our children are loved and adored by our brothers and sisters in the Lord, and this is shown by them. We are always so thankful for how our church has taken in Keziah and Lincoln and shower them with attention and care.

Do you think about the birth parents or that Keziah and Lincoln may have siblings they may never meet?
We think of the birthparents more than we ever thought we would. When you are filling out paperwork, 'birthparents' is just a term. And then you meet. They are real people!!! :o) They are the people that chose to have our child; they are the ones who were our childrens' mothers for 9 very important months. Yes. We think of them a lot.

Yes, we think of the fact that they may have siblings, or even half-siblings. Who knows, maybe they will meet. Both are afterall, open adoptions. But they may not. We will deal with that in prayer if and when it happens, that we may go about this in wisdom.

And that, my friends, is it. Phew. I congratulate you if you've stuck through and have read all three posts. They were long!!! I hope though that they were informative and helped answer a question you may have had. Although I will not write about it again any time soon, my "door" is always open about this topic and I don't mind to be approached about it.

Now, seriously, on to what we've been doing these last weeks :o)