Wow. What a chapter. I don't know about you, but I read this chapter a couple of times, almost needing to sharpen my pencil often due to all the underlining I did! There was so much good stuff in it!! I shall *try* to summarize it all, but with it being a fairly long yet very pertinent chapter, this may not necessarily look like a summary.
Chapter 4 - Underground Issues: Understanding Why She Blows
Summary:
Questions like "What mother who truly loves her child would act like I did?" and "What mother who truly loves her child would wish her away" made Julie Ann Barnhill go deep, real deep, to find out exactly why she blows. She has covered so far in her book the "how she blows", but why does she blow is something that needs to be uncovered.
Sticking with her "volcano" illustration, she writes that every volcano begins deep underground, in the upper mantle of the earth's surface, where it is the hottest and has the most pressure. And we all know what happens when the heat gets super-hot, and the pressure rises. It erupts through a weak spot in the earth's crust and spews everywhere. We are no different.
Through her research, Barnhill has uncovered a 3 point pattern which leads to explosive anger:
- Mantle realities - deep issues that we are born with and what has happened in our past
- Mounting pressures - family schedules, finances, other relationships, our own attitudes
- Our precious trigger points - our dear children
1. Mantle Realities
Pressures from the Past:
Barnhill recounts her past, a past that is filled with abuse, family split ups, social services and adoption. The unfortunate part for her is that she actually doesn't remember a whole lot of it, until many years later, through contact with her birth father. This contact shatters every ideal/fantasy past that she had made up in her mind, demolishing what she always thought was the truth, leaving her filled with anger, disappointment, disgust and fear.
"Chances are, your anger toward your children has its deepest roots in underground issues from your past", says Barnhill. And if those issues include physical, sexual or emotional abuse as children, the odds are against us, as history likes to repeat itself. But that doesn't mean you can't overcome them!!! It starts with forgiveness of those who have abused us, because "through forgiveness will we be truly set free."
Pressures from Within:
Our physical makeup, temperament and thought processes also affect our behaviour. Barnhill was adopted, which gives a very interesting view on nature vs. nurture. She states that she has many traits in her that has nothing to do with how she was raised, but more to do with how she was created by her Creator. Just the fact that she was created female means she needs to be more aware of hormonal changes. But we are not to see these things as excuses, but as influences. And the more we understand what influences us (recognize our weaknesses), "the more effective we can be as mothers".
2. Mounting Pressures: Cheerios Between the Toes:
Barnhill then continues on to her second point of the pattern of anger: stepping on Cheerios. Annoying and bothersome!! And when there are lots of Cheerios stuck on our feet, the ability to function in a calm, God-fearing manner goes quickly out the window. She goes on to identify a few Cheerios in our lives as mothers:
- The Family Schedule - how full is our day planner? "Time may have become the most precious commodity in the land." (Lou Harris survey asserts)
- Finances - "Money isn't important as long as you have it. When all of a sudden you don't have it - then it becomes very important."
- Discontentment and the "Shoulds" - "It's important to recognize that the way we feel and the way we act are very closely related to what we think, what we believe, and what we expect - and a lot of the anger we end up aiming at our children often grows out of faulty beliefs and expectations about the way life is supposed to be."
- Problem of Inappropriate Guilt - what we expect of ourselves as mothers of our children. That we are responsible for every action and problem of our children; it is inappropriate when we wallow in guilt over our failures; it is appropriate when it points us to God's mercy and forgiveness, helping us to confess and seek repentance.
- Anger at People who are Not your Kids - misdirected anger (eg. angry at husband but the kids get the brunt of it; disappointed in a friend, the kids feel it).
Barnhill now speaks about the third point in the pattern of our anger: our children, because really, most of them know where our buttons are and how to push them, setting off a volcano eruption. It can be the things they do, things they say, and the way they are. Barnhill goes into each category, explaining a bit, using examples that we can all relate to. She comes to a remarkable conclusion that often the one who pushes your buttons is the one who is most like you!
She ends once again this long yet very informative chapter by pointing us to our Creator, the Creator who not only made us who we are, but also created our children they way they are. And He gave us those children to teach us more about Him.
Thoughts:
So many thoughts. I just loved this chapter. It hit upon many things that I could relate to, which I am sure you could as well. I have so many thoughts going through my head but will have to limit them to a few here, as this post is getting quite long (are you even still reading?!). Barnhill asks a number of questions throughout the chapter that we are to ponder, and I strongly encourage you to do that - to even write down your answers in a notebook. We need to do this if we want to address and manage our eruptions.
I could really relate to the Cheerios between the Toes, especially the Discontentment and "Shoulds" cheerio as well as the cheerio of Inappropriate Guilt.
Discontentment can be a thorn in my side and it always has been. I am embarrassed to admit this because really, I have more than what I ever wanted and needed. The saying "Comparison is the Thief of Joy" is oh so true. It is so amazing how quickly our blessings pale as soon as we compare, which makes us discontent. And this doesn't have to be material things. For example, I am often content with the two children I have......until I hear of someone having a third. Then all of a sudden the fact that I have even been blessed with two pales and I focus on what I don't have.
As for Inappropriate Guilt, boy, was I not prepared for many things parent-related, but the one that shocked me the most was the guilt that I feel - guilty for disciplining (properly); guilty for letting things go; guilty for feeding junk; guilty for not reading enough to them; guilty for being too high of expectations; guilty for too low of expectations; and well, you name it. It is constantly there!!!!
This chapter is again a very personal one, especially the first part, where she speaks about our past. Notice I didn't really write anything about that part? I am not about to put people in my past under the bus that may have influenced my childhood in a negative way. This is not the place. However, it has definitely given me food for thought!
Your Thoughts:
.Barnhill asks many good questions, ones that I hope you take the time to think about. One of them being this one:
Do you have any anger about the way God made you? Can you honestly say "thank you" to God for your mental, emotional and physical makeup? Why or why not?
Would you agree with her conclusion that the children that bug us the most are the ones that are like us?
Were you able to relate to any of the Cheerios that she mentioned? Are there others?
Any other thoughts you would like to share, knowing it may help someone else?
Prayer Points:
- forgive those in my past who have had a negative impact
- thank my Creator for making me, me
- ask Him then to help me to recognize my Cheerios and work with them
- ask Him for a heart of contentment. Just the fact that He has chosen me to be His child should be enough
- help me to live knowing I have asked for forgiveness - to learn and move on from my mistakes, not dwell on them
- for those who have had dreadful pasts that they may need to work through
- thankful for those little rug rats that do push my buttons every once in awhile
For next Thursday, May 29th, we will meet for Chapter 5: Volcanic Damage - Recognizing When You've Gone Too Far.
Lastly, if you are reading this....congratulate yourself!! This post was a long one (I will work on my summarizing skills....:o)
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