Hypocrite

I knew it. I just knew it. I should have known I spoke too soon.

Remember my last post - about being thankful (and proud) for being sane at the end of the week? Well, it's

I pushed "Publish" too soon. About two hours later, late in the afternoon, it all fell apart. It's amazing how you can have such a great week, but then lose all of that in just 10 minutes or less. And that is exactly what happened.

I am sure you can imagine what it looked like, and so I will spare you all the details. This meltdown resulted in tears and apologies that needed to be said - mostly by the biggest kid. Me.

Those not-so-proud-mom moments seem to stick with me much longer than all the other enjoyable moments of the week, even working at erasing them. They keep me awake at night, as I wrestle with my failings as a mom.

If you aren't sure how you are fairing as a parent, just listen to your children for a bit,  how they interact with each other, how they handle stress, their reactions to a "no", their tone etc. They are such good "mirrors" - imaging what they see as examples. Us. After awhile, you will notice that they sound very much like us.

 Earlier in the week, I was chuckling as I overheard Keziah say to Lincoln:
"Lincoln, I told you to leave the door alone. You need to listen the first time."

Where do you think she heard that before?! It made me laugh to hear her!! It was somewhat gratifying, making me feel kind of proud, that she was parroting me.

But then, after the big meltdown Friday afternoon, just as Nathan walked in the door (of course!), I needed a time out, and so I sent myself to my room. Seriously.

And that is when I heard how else she sounded like me. And this time I was NOT chuckling. I was not proud. I did not feel honoured that she was a little me in those moments where things were out of her control.

Instead, I laid there, listening with shameful tears making wet trails down my cheeks. It was such a true and humble moment. I could not help but face the fact that she sounded like she did because she has learned from 'the best'.

And that left me this weekend with the question:

Why do I expect certain behaviours from my children when I don't even exhibit them myself?!

It is so true.  I expect my children to interact with each other respectfully and kindly. And if one is doing something that bothers the other, then words need to be used in a firm voice - definitely not by yelling at them. How am I doing with this? Just ask my children.

I expect my children to be able to handle that not everything goes their way. And if it doesn't, I expect them to handle it gracefully. Me? Fail.

I have often said to my children in stressful moments: you need to learn to handle it or toughen up. Ha. Ask my husband to see how I am faring with this (on second thought, please don't ask him).

See why I titled this post: Hypocrite?

So where does that leave us? To stew and label everything as failure? To give up? To throw my hands up in the air and say "I am not cut out for this, I don't know what I was thinking?" To wave the surrender flag and hide out under my covers?

No. None of that solves it, as we all know. Instead of focussing on the negative things we are teaching our children, or sit there smugly about the "positive" things they are learning from our influence, we can show to them that we also need help; that we cannot do this parenting thing on our own; that we need forgiveness, not just from them, but most especially from God.

I pray that the Lord will use these difficult moments on this journey of parenting, to teach my children that I am no better than them and that I need God just as much as I "preach" it to them that they need God.  I want them to know that I am not perfect. That doesn't mean putting myself down in front of them (that's one quick way to lose respect from my children!), but what I mean is, I want them to know that I cannot be the mother that I am called to be without the help of God. And that I am so totally dependent on Him. If I don't show them that I need God in my life, how are they going to learn that they need Him day by day?

Prayer is a powerful tool, one that we use numerous times throughout the day. And usually once things have calmed down after a big meltdown, we sit and chat together, speaking about what happened and what we can do with it. This conversation often leads to what we will pray for: forgiveness, help, wisdom and thankfulness for each other. And then we move on, resting in the comfort of the grace He has given us. That He has compassion on us by forgiving our shortcomings as parents. And when we realize the grace and mercy we've been given by our Father, we will be encouraged by the Holy Spirit to extend grace and mercy to our children as well.

Does that mean that is the end of meltdowns? That I have learned to be the perfect parent? That we always speak to each other calmly, and with a friendly tone, even when the other is frustrating us? That we all are now able to handle any bump in the road with the most graceful attitude?

Do I even need to answer these questions? If you want an answer, just be a fly on my wall for one day (and you thought I shared a lot on this blog - ha, believe or not, there's a lot that isn't mentioned :o), and you'll find out quick enough that God is continually teaching me to lean on Him, a lesson that needs to be repeated. Often.

But I wake up and start my day with these words, words I cling to:
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3: 22, 23